Minneapolis Loses First Native American, Female, And Openly Gay Police Chiefs In Tripartite Resignation

Minneapolis lost its first native American, female, and openly gay police chiefs in the tripartite  resignation of Janne Harteau. Harteau resigned from her diversity milestones following the shooting of blond Australian migrant Justine Damond by Somali born Minneapolis police officer Mohamed Noor. Noor was initiated into the Minneapolis police department through a "fast-track" training course (archived).

Swedish Railroad Consults Masses: Trainy McTrainface Results

Swedish rail operator MTR Express has resigned itself to naming a new train running the Stockholm to Gothenburg line "Trainy McTrainface" after it opened to the naming process to the masses, and the only possible outcome resulted. A variety of suggested names commemorating persons, culture, and events were ignored in favor of a name at intersection of plain description and peak anthropomorphism. Surely Trainy McTrainface was a very happy train after being told the result.

Trump Issues Ultimatum To GOP Senators: Start Selling!

This week, following yet another failure by legacy legislative members of the GOP to end Obamacare, United States President Donald Trump summoned GOP members of the Senate1 to a luncheon where he issued them an ultimatum. They must begin selling! President Trump even singled out a Nevada Senator, Doubting Dean Heller, and challenged Heller on his presumed desire to remain a Senator (archived). Only eight of the thirty three US Senate seats being contested in the 2018 mid term election are currently held by the GOP. This places non-compliant, legacy, GOP Senators like Doubting Dean vulnerable to challengers during this coming spring's primary season as Trump's GOP moves towards greater purity and ability.

The luncheon's lesson is that in Trump's GOP, faith without works is now dead. Private professions of faith and muted announcements supporting the cause are no longer enough. GOP legislators must begin the work of selling the Trumpreich's agenda or they will be purged as the party resolves its schisms. Eight years of Hussein Bahamas, where the GOP existed as a hollow and lazy opposition party doing little other than serving to legitimize pantsuit's pretensions of purpose, allowed Trump to capture the party. Now that Trump has the GOP, he will have his way with the GOP.


  1. Minus the lich John McCain who has been revealed to have aggressive brain cancer. Presumably McCain has failed to maintain personal possession of his phylactery.  

Coinbase To Go On Trading Vacation With "Your" Coins Over Altcoin Fork Hysteria

Earlier today fiat/Bitcoin interface Coinbase emailed their users warning them that their accounts will be suspended for an indefinite period of time beginning four hours prior to reddit's scheduled temper tantrum.

To ensure the safety of customers’ funds, we will temporarily suspend bitcoin [sic] deposits, withdrawals, and buy/sell starting approximately 4 hours before activation of either fork.

Back at power ranger hindquarters a graph theory revelation has occurred.

Columbia University Settles In Case Of Mattress Harassment Against Student

Columbia University has agreed to settle in a gender bias suit in which the University and its agents awarded course credit for a sustained campaign of gender based harassment against a male student (archived). Terms of the settlement have not been released. Columbia's lawyers had attempted to deny the University's role in the harassing student's conduct when the University awarded academic credit, materially encouraging the harassing conduct.

As Fake News Hammers Russian Fanfiction Number Of Believers Crashes

According to a poll conducted by ABC and Jeff Bezos' Washington Post, the number of Americans buying into their bullshit is falling. Despite the constant hammering of the "Russian collusion" conspiracy theory in pant suit fake news output, less American voters believe it now than believed back in April according to pantsuit's own polls. (archived) Based on the ample evidence of which way pantsuit pollsters err, it can be assumed that believership in the fake news fanfic is nearly nil outside of its authors.

Cuts On Campus Follow Illinois Tax Hike

Following the recent masssive tax hike in Illinois which ended up satisfying the interstate lottery treaty organization and brought Illinois back into jackpot seeking communion, other government spending in Illinois is seeing cuts. Illinois "universities", whose credit ratings have been on a long march to rock bottom in the absence of payments from Springfield, are now making even bigger cuts on campus not that payments from the state have resumed.

Southern Illinois University in Carbondale announced it would be cutting 26 million United States dollars and eliminating seven academic programs. (archived) The seven programs to be snuffed out are:

  • B.S., Mining Engineering
  • M.S., Mining Engineering
  • B.A., Business Economics
  • B.S., Physical Education Teacher Education
  • B.A., Africana Studies
  • M.A., Political Science
  • Ph.D., Historical Studies

As presented by the University this list's ordering begins with two degrees covering an entire productive industrial field deemed unpopular by students, the business department's degree programming which requires math1 and is therefore also unpopular, the applied science of hamplanet prevention and remediation in children, and then three token field of study beloved by pantsuit but unpopular with students are being slain as well.

Illinois residents are clearly receiving an excellent value in exchange for their increased tax burden.


  1. The study of pantsuit economics divorced from business is in no danger of elimination, just the useful applications.  

US Entertainer Kid Rock Takes Aim At Pantsuit Senator's Job

Pantsuit Michigan senator Debbie Unstablenow sent out a panicked email to her supporters addressing her worries regarding Kid Rock's announcement that he will run for Michigan senator on the Republican ticket.

"We don’t know if this is real or a publicity stunt, but after Donald Trump’s surprising win last year, we need to act fast."

Robert Richie, the patriotic rockstar who is fed up with all the bastards at the I.R.S. and the crooked cops and the cluttered desks, has confirmed his candidacy. Pantsuit's track record against popular entertainers hasn't been very good.

Surveillance Videos Of Mass Attack On BART Train Withheld In The Name Of Bias Prevention

Following the April 22nd raid where approximately fifty "kids" rushed a BART train resulting in seven robberies and two assaults, bipedal game wardens of the San Francisco predation zone have decided to not release their surveillance video of the incident for fear, "it would create a racial bias" between the varieties of bipedal quarry stocked on the reservation. (archived) Absent the video, Qntra is unable to make any inferences as to whom the perpetrators may be or how the video's release could create racial bias.