Airstrip One: Labour Party Suffers Greatest Collapse Since 1935, Unlikely To Recover

Elections in the British Queendom have delivered the Labour Party's greatest loss since 1935 as the Tories take 364 seats in parliament to Labour's paltry 203. Other parties managed to grab 82 seats with the separatist Scottish National Party taking 48 seats on their platform of divorcing the Queendom. Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has stated his intention to step down early after the Tories captured seats from working class strongholds that tradtionally voted Labour. As in the US, working class voters in the UK appear to have soured on Left parties as the onward march of Pantsuitism is evermore removed from anything they can relate to.

A far smaller number of traditionally Tory districts were won by the local labour candidate in rare situations where an absolute majority of the vote was split between Tory and Brexit Party candidates. This election's results give incumbent Prime Minister Boris Johnson a mandate to Brexit in the manner of his own choosing. The election also serves a stark rebuke to former prime minister Theresa May's wing of the Tory party which failed to Brexit after taking the verbal output of their Labour rivals and a hostile media seriously.

Man Convicted Of Terror Plot And Released In December 2018 Shot While Stabbing Near London Bridge

Usman Khan was shot by police yesterday while stabbing pedestrians near London Bridge (archived). Khan enjoyed early release from prison last year after having been convicted by the Queen's courts for his alleged participation in terrorist plots back in 2010. Khan managed to stab five before succumbing to his wounds. Only two of the stabbed succumbed to theirs.

Inclusion Collision: Airstrip One Court Chooses Homosex Over Islam As Diversities Collide!

A "high court" judge in the United Queendom has decided to impose a permanent ban on protests outside a Birmingham primary school (archived). The Islamic protesters were unhappy with decisions by the school and Birmingham's local council which subjects their young children to "a gay ethos" in conflict with the religious beliefs they and 1.8 billion other persons around the world submit to.

In siding with the Government backed "gay ethos" and marginalizing the protester's active submission to Allah, the presiding judge used a relatively recent "common law" innovation promoted by Pantsuitists. The judge declared that the protesters "misunderstood" the content of the lessons they were protesting, and then he burdened them with a permanent ban on protests and 80% of the court costs incurred by the case.

Birmingham's Pantsuitist "director of education and skills" declared that the ruling offers protection from "escalating levels of anti-social behaviour". To this end the ruling lifted a previous ban on protesting the school through social media, likely with the aim of containing the feared "anti-social" action to readily discounted platforms, and the collision of groups celebrated for their diveristy and inclusion may be written of as a mere misunderstanding rather than the actual, live dispute that it is for a few minutes longer.

Lizzy's Queendom Defies Mauritius And United Nations To Continue Illegal Occupation Of Chagos Islands

The United Queendom has let a UN deadline to surrender control of the Chagos Islands to Mauritius pass after the UN International Court of Justice ruled Lizzy's continued occupation of the islands illegal. The UN General Assembly approved the dealine to vacate with a 116 to 6 vote (archived). Mauritius was compelled to trade the islands for their independence back in 1965, the 13th year Liz wore the crown.

Lizzie began renting out the largest island in the group, Diego Garcia, for USG use as an unsinkable aircraft carrier in the Indian Ocean a mere 3 years later. Construction on the island to carrier conversion was delayed 4 years in order for depopulation efforts to rid the island of its previous inhabitants.

More Epstein Drama: Lizzie Benches Duke Of York, Guards Hit With Charges For Conspiracy To Slack

Old Lizzie has decided to suspend Price Andrew's public duties following the Duke of York's poor optics in reponding to questions about his friendship with the late Jeffery Epstein (archived). The Duke's public fumblings occurred after he agreed to an interview by British state Broadcaster BBC without first getting permission from Liz.

Meanwhile two guards at the prison where Jeffery Epstein's life ended have been charged with conspiracy and forging records for carrying out their jobs with all the intensity that can be expected out of government charges sitting in undemanding sinecures. Albeit these particular sinecures happen to exist in an environment labeled "high security" per USG in universe conventions (archived).

UK Police Punish 237 Of Their Own For Internal Breaching

After British Police Sergeant Okechukwu Efobi plead guilty for "abusing" police databases to research cases against himself earlier this year, it turns out 237 cops and staffers at police agencies on Airstrip One were disciplined for a variety of infractions broadly classed as "misusing IT resources" (archived). Freedom of Information requests have been met with responses suggesting there is little access control or monitoring of internal police networks and databases within the Queendom (archived).

Airstrip One: Labour MP Keith Vaz Suspended 6 Months For His Handling Of Coke And Rentboys

Keith Vaz, former Home Affairs Select Committee chair and longtime "British Asian" Labour member of parliament, has been suspended from the House of Commons for 6 months (archived). The suspension relates to a scandal Vaz created when he pretended to be a seller of industrial washing machines named Jim while partying with immigrant rent boys he generously supplied with cocaine. Vaz was previously suspended from the House of Commons for one month in 2002 following a protracted dispute between Vaz and the police where Vaz had similarly lacked candor, dignity, or most likely both (archived).

Airstrip One Begins Judicial Bitcoin And "Crypto" Auctions

The asset recovery section of Airstrip One's "Eastern Region Special Operations Unit" claims to have recently auctioned a mixture of Bitcoin and lesser altcoins through a shop calling itself "Wilsons Auctions" (archived). They reported collecting 240,000 units of a currency they call the "Pound Sterling" despite the history of the land, once called England, largely consisting of exercises in debasing the "Pound Sterling" from the literal pound weight of silver the name implies. At present, the "Pound Sterling" has a value approximating the original silver penny in purchasing power.

Church of England Takes BOLD Stand Against Pointed Kitchen Knives

Church elders in the Diocese of Rochester are calling for the elimination of pointed kitchen knives after having made the religious determination that points on knives are obsolete (archived). Never mind the incredible utility of the knife point in kitchens that handle actual food, the religious imperative to preserve all life demands the kitchen workflow be interupted by specialist knick-knacks out of the potential that any particular knife point may end the life of something other than a garlic clove.

Nevermind that nearly every use of the paring knife or fillet knife begins with the point. Nevermind the ridiculous prospect of scoring with the belly of the blade. The state Church of England demands doctrinal sovereignty in your kitchen, and their doctrine says the potential evil of the knife point trumps the active utility of the knife point.