Airstrip One Begins Judicial Bitcoin And "Crypto" Auctions

The asset recovery section of Airstrip One's "Eastern Region Special Operations Unit" claims to have recently auctioned a mixture of Bitcoin and lesser altcoins through a shop calling itself "Wilsons Auctions" (archived). They reported collecting 240,000 units of a currency they call the "Pound Sterling" despite the history of the land, once called England, largely consisting of exercises in debasing the "Pound Sterling" from the literal pound weight of silver the name implies. At present, the "Pound Sterling" has a value approximating the original silver penny in purchasing power.

Church of England Takes BOLD Stand Against Pointed Kitchen Knives

Church elders in the Diocese of Rochester are calling for the elimination of pointed kitchen knives after having made the religious determination that points on knives are obsolete (archived). Never mind the incredible utility of the knife point in kitchens that handle actual food, the religious imperative to preserve all life demands the kitchen workflow be interupted by specialist knick-knacks out of the potential that any particular knife point may end the life of something other than a garlic clove.

Nevermind that nearly every use of the paring knife or fillet knife begins with the point. Nevermind the ridiculous prospect of scoring with the belly of the blade. The state Church of England demands doctrinal sovereignty in your kitchen, and their doctrine says the potential evil of the knife point trumps the active utility of the knife point.

PROROGATION: Queen To Suspend Parliament After Apparently Tiring Of Exit Free Brexit

In a rare quasi-sovereign act, Queen Elizabeth II has agreed to a prorogation request by Boris Johnson which would suspend parliament from September 9th through October 14th (archived). This five week suspension of parliament during a time three weeks of recess would traditionally be taken appears motivated by a desire to prevent the commons from once again fucking up Brexit. After parliament receives a new "Queens Speech" October 14th they will have a full 15 days before the new October 31st Brexit day to try to fuck things up.

There is a small chance that at least one court in the UK challenges the prorogation and in doing so invites a minor crisis exposing the lack of sovereignty surviving in the crown.

Peso Argentino And Argentine Markets Fall After Primary Elections Give "Peronist" Alberto Fernandez, Cristina Kirchner Margin Sufficient To Win October Ballot Outright

Primary elections in Argentina on Sunday returned results that gave the "Peronist" ticket of Alberto Fernandez and Cristina Kirchner sufficient votes to win the October general election outright if yesterday's performance is repeated. This has been met with a 14.5 percent fall of the Peso Argentino against the USD, while the brief narrowing of the buy/sell spead of the Peso Argentino in Uruguay has been blown open with exchanges in Uruguay advertising spreads as wide as 0.50/1.15 (archived). Argentina's stock market has suffered today as well.

In a development less clearly connected to Argentina's electoral/economic disaster, the twitter account of Prefectura Naval Argentina was "hacked" to broadcast an hoax alert claiming a British missile attack had killed 27. In the incredibly unlikely event a new Falklands conflict opened up again between Argentina and Queen Elizabeth's forces, the largest open question is which of the two combatants declined more in the intervening decades.

Dam England: Derbyshire Evacuated As Toddbrook Reservoir Dam Approaches Failure

England's problems continue piling up as the dam protecting the towns of Derbyshire and Whaley Bridge from the contents of the Toddbrook reservoir appears to be failing (archived). Concrete slabs on the dam are collapsing and an RAF Chinook helicopter is attempting to pull double duty shoring up the dam with rubble while also depositing rubble to divert incoming water away from the reservoir. The Brits expect several more days of work by the earthmoving helicopter and a pump battery will be required to bring the reservoir down to a level allowing for repairs, provided it doesn't rain.

Brit Cop Pleas Guilty After Using His Access To Police DB To See Investigations Into Himself

Metropolitan Police Sergeant Okechukwu Efobi plead guilty to 3 charges of under Airstrip One's 1990 "Computer Misuse Act" after he used his access to the police database to view information on investigations into himself (archived). For putting his own name into the system and seeing what resulted, Sergeant Efobi has been ordered to complete 150 hours of community service and pay the sum of 540 Pounds split between prosecution costs and a victim surcharge tax though he remains employed on restricted duty with the force.

Airstrip One: Queen's Newest Capital Ship Struggling With Water

Britain's newest capital ship, the 3.1 billion once sterling pound helicopter carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth had to return to port after taking on roughly a quarter million liters of water and putting three crew members into mortal peril (archived). The ship was undergoing sea trials when a pipe carrying sea water burst leading to flooding and accompanying bucking, bending, and splitting damage to the ship. This is the third confirmed time that the sea has breached HMS Queen Elizabeth during her short life. Lacking catapults and arrestors for launching and landing traditional fixed wing aircraft, the ship is expected to carry a mix of the 'B' V/STOL variant of the beleaguered F-35 fighter and a complement of helicopters should the boat survive to reach initial operational capacity in 2021.

Poland Pursuing Repatriation Of Gold Reserves From Airstrip One

As London finds its once central location in finance eroding due to government malfeasance, Poland is seeking to save its gold from Bank of England custody (archived). As the USG and UK move forward in entrenching their Axis of Insanity, New York and London are increasingly being seen as unsafe places to keep things of value by notoriously slow moving fiat would-be sovereigns. With the distinctly African turn of both former financial centers, it is only natural worry should build that distinctly African problems have a high likelihood of following.

British Navy Returns To Piracy With Seizure Of Iranian Oil Tanker, Iran Points Out Their Obligation To Retaliate In Kind

British Marines near Gibraltar seized a ship allegedly carrying Iranian oil to Syrian (archived). The Brits are defending their theft as an act of "EU sanctions enforcement" despite Marines capturing a foreign vessel in transit from a nation outside the EU to another nation outside the EU, while the thieves themselves are Brexiting anyways.

Iran responded by summoning their British ambassador to explain that in the international law texts Iran has read, the EU sanctions against Syria are not only illegal and further Iran wouldn't have to recognize the sanctions even if they were "legal" through some twisted confusion of terms.

Thusly Major General Mohsen Rezaee of Iran's Revolutionary guard announced to the world that Iran has a duty to capture a British tanker ship.1


  1. Should Britain actually have any oil tankers.  

British Couple Found Guilty Of Funding Terrorism For Sending Trivial Sum To Son

Oxford residents John Letts and Sally Lane have been convicted by UK courts for funding terrorism after sending their son 223 Pounds, no longer sterling (archived). Their son, a convert to Islam who went Syrian in 2014, is allegedly being held by the Kurdish YPG. Each member of the Oxford couple received a 15 month sentence with 12 suspended.