CEO Elizabeth Holmes Of Theranos: Please Don't Sue, Have My Shares

Elizabeth Holmes, CEO of the well connected bezzle failup Theranos, is approaching her investors with a new plea. Holmes is begging investors in the firm to not sue her and offering as compensation valueless shares from her own stake in the firm. A number of Silicon Valley rags allege that some investors are taking the offer, probably because it is less expensive to be gifted as share of nothing than it is to sue for a share of nothing. Sorry for your loss.

Fake News Interest In Jewish Center Safety Drops Precipitously After Arrest Of Second Suspect

When threats to Jewish community centers continued after the arrest of leftist fake newsman Juan Thompson, the fake news media drummed up fear of a fake white supremacist bogeyman behind continued threats. A second arrest however has entirely killed leftist enthusiasm for continuing to cover the subject. A young Israeli Jew was arrested earlier this week for what appears to be making all of the threats not made by Juan Thompson. On the day of the arrest a token amount coverage was given to the public defender assigned to the suspect. Notably, the court appointed attorney is arguing the arrested party is not criminally culpable due to mental defect.

Instead the fake news media has redirected their effort into doubling down on their assertion that "America First" is a Russian slogan that supports German National Socialism. This continues showing how the Fake News media is hopelessly disconnected from the reality of how little America, particularly white America, cares about Jews and other minorities.1


  1. And forgetting that there are attitudes far less friendly than indifference.  

More State Run Job Boards Hacked

Further reports are emerging states other than Vermont had their government run job boards hacked as well. Boards in Deleware and Illinois, both named "JobLink" have been compromised for 200,000 and 1.4 million job seeker's sorry for your loss respectively. It should be safe to assume other states with a "JobLink" service have had theirs hacked as well.

Buttfunex Diversifying Bespoke "Butt Fun" Offerings While Walking Away From BTC

Buttfunex has introduced new scam tokens allowing users to bet on the future of a chain split between Power Range Coin and Roger Ver-ified UnlimitedSpamCoin. The "Chain Split Tokens" as they are called will be issued as follows:

BCC tokens, which will represent the "Bitcoin Core" fork
BCU tokens, which will represent the "Bitcoin Unlimited" altcoin
BTU tokens, which will represent any remaining BCU tokens remaining after the settlement of the contract.

Sale of the token contracts began on March 17th and will end at 11:59:59 pm UTC on December 31, 2017, and are being offered at the rate of 1 Bitcoin for 1 BCC + 1 BCU. The exchange says the Unlimited tokens will only be valid if "the blockchain …. has diverged incompatibly from the blockchain defined by Bitcoin Core."1 Per Buttfunex policy, they will not be responsible for any Sorry For Your Loss that may occur from gambling with their tiddlywinks. (archived)


  1. Note that it is possible for both "CoreCoin" and "UnlimitedSpamCoin" to both diverge from Bitcoin as defined by the reference Bitcoin network client  

Armed Guard At German Grocer Kills Man In Saint Louis

Over the weekend an armed guard at a colonial location of the German Grocery giant Aldi killed a customer suspected of shoplifting at an Aldi outpost in North Saint Louis City. The suspect, killed over store branded groceries was pronounced dead at the scene. This shooting follows a Friday meeting between German chancellor Angela Merkel and US President Donald Trump where the two differed on issues of globalization and the meaning of the word bilateral. It is unknown how many US locations of the German Globalization Grocer Aldi employ armed agents to protect their bounty of off brand products.

Shinohai's Shitcoin Roundup Xtend: BTU Breakage Heat, Zcash Instamine Lulz, And More

The "Bitcoin Unlimited" development team will be releasing their token, $BTU, on April Fool's day of this year in what will surely be hailed as one of the most fitting release dates for a team ever. Unlimited node count dropped significantly this week after the discovery of a remote crash vulnerability. Core developer Greg Maxwell stated on reddit earlier this week that “There are vulnerabilities in Unlimited which have been privately reported to you in Unlimited by Bitcoin Core folks which you have not acted on, sadly. More severe than this one, in fact.” which should ensure a steady supply of lulz in the weeks to come.

Zcash's Zooko, deciding his coin doesn't have a scammy enough image, announced this week the formation of `The Zcash foundation` which will supposedly "promote a healthy and diverse zcash community" Zooko stated he will fund the foundation with half of his "founders reward" instamine, the total amounting to 273,000 coins currently worth $13 million USD at current trade prices. Matthew Green, assistant professor of computer science at Johns Hopkins University, is reputed to be one of the foundation members, which the group hopes will add an air of legitimacy to the scheme.

A new type of ransomware, dubbed "Kirk", has surfaced in various corners of the internet demanding payment via Monero instead of Bitcoin.

Never missing an opportunity to hard fork their flaming-tire-in-a-shitpit, the Ethereum development team announced that their latest fork, codenamed "Metropolis" is now back on their roadmap after being forced to postpone the "improvements" due to The DAO hack

Amazon Rolls Out An Index Librorum Prohibitorum

Trump's chief strategist Steve Bannon recently compared the ongoing controlled demolition of Europe by marauding orc hordes to a scenario portrayed in an obscure novel, The Camp of the Saints (1973) by Jean Raspail.

The response by Amazon, the world's foremost peddler of DRM-laden electronic chumpware "books" was swift, merciless, and mindblowingly "original" : let's ban some books! And so if you want to obtain a copy of The Camp of the Saints from Amazon, you will now have to settle for a $2,000 collectible edition, because the Kindle chumpware item has vanished, having been made "…unavailable because there are significant quality issues with the source file supplied by the publisher. The publisher has been notified and we will make the book available as soon as we receive a corrected file."

Similar "quality control" problems have immediately cropped up in another alleged Bannon favourite, Julias Evola's Revolt Against the Modern World. And it turns out that Hitler's mega-bestseller Mein Kampf has also sprouted some sudden bit rot.

Peace in our time.

"Bitcoin" (Altcoin) Unlimited Experiences Drop In Node Count Due To Remote Crash Vulnerability

The "Bitcoin Unlimited" node count experienced a very sharp ~65% drop around 7:30 PM UTC as a remote-crash vulnerability was made public on Twitter. The node count, as reported by coin.dance, fell to 259 from a previous measurement of 764 moments earlier.

The actual vulnerability is a result of the ineptitude of the "Bitcoin Unlimited" developers to incorrectly implement the usual "monkey see, monkey do" approach to software, by messing up the copy-pasting of power-rangerolade.

Peter Todd's straight Twitter disclosure was made in a context of heightened tensions among the two main flavors of idiocy, namely the SegWit peddlers and the Roger Verified "Bitcoin Unlimited" followers.

CEO Marissa Mayer Out At Yahoo As Verizon To Rebrand The Thing To Altaba

Verizon announced that Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer, who presided over the leaks of everything, will be parting ways with Verizon and Yahoo. Further Verizon will be renaming the thing1 formerly known as Yahoo as Altaba. Mayer will recieve 23 million US dollars as severance in exchange for getting the fuck out of the way as Verizon attempts to get some value out of this rapidly spoiling acquisition. Peace in our time.


  1. Because more specific words like firm, business, etc fail to truly describe the loose collection of 90's nostalgia an impulse purchases assembled by Mayer  

Wikileaks Hands Elected Trump US Government Weapon To Gut Careerist 'Deep State' US Government

Today Wikileaks dumped a collection of CIA material focused on the agency's activities during Hussein Bahamas second term.1 Aside from the revelation that during this period the CIA created its own, less accountable version of the NSA; the agency apparently lost exclusive control over the apparatus near the end on the Hussein Bahamas administration.

The opportune timing of this Wikileak presents Trump with the prefect pretext for draining the careerist swamp at the CIA.2 This is bullish for plumbers.


  1. The password to decrypt the archive: SplinterItIntoAThousandPiecesAndScatterItIntoTheWinds  

  2. Brave folks passing by Langley, Virginia should be on the lookout for new dykes, dams, windmills, and weirs in the area.