British Government Lab Admits No Evidence For Scandal Used To Blow Up Diplomatic Relations And Court European Sympathy

Today Airstrip One's Porton Down defense laboratory admits it has no evidence to support loud Pantsuit allegations that the nerve agent used to poison a British double-agent came from Russia (archived). This news comes despite the government of the not so United Kingdom using the incident to blow up relations with Russia while fishing for solidarity with the continental Europeans whose Union the Brits will be leaving.

Despite the usual pantsuit media organs insisting Russia must have done it, the ready baked pantsuit public relations campaign accompanying the incident lacks an innocent look on its surface.

Ecuador Cuts Communications From Assange As Brits Go On Tilt

The Embassy of Ecuador in London has cut off communications between Julian Assange and the outside world following pressure from NATO member states. Recently the sublethal poisoning of a British Spy in London with a common nerve agent has been used as a pretext for the United Kingdom to pressure its allies into isolating Russia and other percieved enemies. The full text of Ecuador's announcement is below:


28 de marzo de 2018


El Gobierno de Ecuador suspendió de los sistemas que permiten a Julian Assange comunicarse con el exterior desde la embajada ecuatoriana en Londres, en donde el ciudadano permanece en situación de protección internacional desde hace seis años debido al riesgo que corre su vida e integridad.

La medida fue adoptada ante el incumplimiento por parte de Assange del compromiso escrito que asumió con el Gobierno a finales de 2017, por el que se obligaba a no emitir mensajes que supusieran una injerencia en relación a otros Estados.

El Gobierno de Ecuador advierte de que el comportamiento de Assange, con sus mensajes a través de las redes sociales, pone en riesgo las buenas relaciones que el país mantiene con Reino Unido, con el resto de los Estados de la Unión Europea y otras naciones. Por todo ello, para prevenir potenciales perjuicios, la embajada en Londres interrumpió este 27 de marzo las comunicaciones al exterior a las que tiene acceso Assange.

El Ejecutivo mantiene además abiena la vía a la adopción de nuevas medidas ante el incumplimiento del compromiso por parte de Assange.

Russia Erupts In Nazi Rifle Monument Scandal

A scandal has emerged in Russia after visitors to a new monument to Mikhail Kalashnikov noticed the monument featured a plaque engraved with the blueprints for a Nazi rifle (archived). The engraved schematics featured the German Sturmgewehr 44 which predates any alternative assault rifle designed by Mikhail Kalashnikov which could have been featured on the Russian military monument. The director of the Russian Mulitary Historical Society (RVIO) offered:

following the sculptor’s blunder everybody can see the StG and Kalashnikov are two different weapons.

Trump Makes Small Cut To Military Healthcare Spending And Makes Jeff Sessions Great Again

Today United States President Donald Trump captured headlines by making a rare medical condition a disqualifier for military service in the United States, as many other medical conditions already are. This relieves the Department of Defense from having to assume the substantial surgical and psychiatric care costs the US medical establishment has come to accept as standard for this condition. Various lamestream news outlets have offered different four and five figure numbers of currently serving military personnel standing to be affected by this policy change.

In other events, Trump has managed to make Attorney General Jeff Sessions great again. Following more minutia supposedly exposed in the Russian collusion witch hunt, Trump appears to have ceased conferring with his Attorney General in private and begun communicating suggestions to his top law enforcement official exclusively through the media. In less than one week Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III has gone from the fake news industrial complex's whipping boy, a caricature of the "evil" Southern gentleman, to enjoying fawning fake news coverage as a beleaguered and sympathetic Southern gentleman.

Only muted coverage in the fake news media has been given to the fact that since this change in communications channels, Attorney General Sessions appears to have been faithfully pursuing every instruction delivered to him by President Trump. Where the fake news media is reading animosity between the two, reality seems to be showing a very strong, public1 working relationship. As a bonus, the new structure of this relationship is bound to complicate the ongoing "Russian collusion" fanfic being authored by Jeff Bezos' Amazon Washington Post.

  1. When has any other US President been as transparent in communicating with his Attorney General?  

Fake News Washington Post Changes Tune On Russian Collusion

Today the Washington Post company through it's online magazine "Slate" made an assertion that represents a tremendous change in the Fake News empire's editorial policy:

It’s a move that, for the moment at least, seems like a rather misguided overcorrection. So far, no one has released any compelling evidence that Kaspersky is working with the Russian government to undermine the security of its millions of customers.

By Josephine Wolff on Slate's "Future Tense" blog July 11 2017 6:03 PM (archived)

It remains to be seen how this apparent 180 degree course correction will affect their coverage of the Trump administration, especially on the point of raising their required standard of evidence on Russian collusion to "having evidence". As recently as earlier today, the Fake News empire turned idiot son Donald Junior's gullibility with respect to a phishing scheme.1

It remains to be seen if this demand that evidence of Russian involvement with respect to Kaspersky Labs is an isolated incident, or if in their exhaustion the Washington Post company has joined other Fake News players in ceasing to care about intra-day narrative consistency.

  1. Idiot son shut out of his father's campaign but wanted to make Dad proud. Idiot son tried to make deal that he would have been explicitly forbidden to if there were actual organized collusion to protect. The moral of the story is don't name any of your children "Junior" until they grow up and provide more information on whether they are a loser or not. Otherwise you get stuck insisting you favoritely named, but most disappointing progeny is still a "quality person."  

"Биткоин — это единственная в мире блокчейн" says Russian State Bank

Speaking with newspaper Kommersant, Nikita Smirnov, Vice President of Information Technology at Vnesheconombank, told reporters

Биткоин — это единственная в мире блокчейн


Его можно сравнить с бактерией, которая уже существует отдельно от человека и вошла с человеком в симбиоз

which roughly translates, respectively, to "Bitcoin is the world's only blockchain" and "Compare [Bitcoin] to a bacteria, which exists separately from humans, but is in a symbiotic relationship with humans". These fiat confirmations come, respectively, two-and-a-half years and over four years after these blindingly factual statements were first announced publicly to the world.

And you thought ten minute blocks were slow. Sorry for your lag.

Hussein Bahamas Continues Picking Fights As Term Dwindles

Lame duck United States President Hussein Bahamas has continued his new hobby of abruptly changing US policy as his term approaches its constitutional end. In addition to the mundane changes like telling Bibi off, opening the dollar printing press to agriculture, and converting a million acres in the American west into a "National Monument" on a whim Hussein Bahamas escalated his saber rattling with Russian President Putin.

Hussein Bahamas is expelling 35 registered diplomats from the Russian Federation, giving them 72 hours to leave US soil while also denying access to and ordering the closure of Russian diplomatic compounds in New York and Maryland. This move is accompanied by other assorted sanctions. Pence in our time.

92 Presumed Dead As Russian Passenger Plane Headed To Syria Crashes

A Russian passenger plane reportedly crashed over the Black Sea after refueling near Sochi en route to Syria for a Christmas celebration serving deployed troops (archived). Among the victims are Alexandrov Ensemble, the premier choir of the Russian armed services and humanitarian activist Elizaveta Glinka. Pieces of the Tu-154B-21 are being found ~1.5km out from the Black Sea coast at a depth of 50-70 meters. President Vladimir Putin has declared December 26th as a national day of mourning.

  1. Registration number RA-85572 and entry to service in 1983 

Russian Ambassador To Turkey Assasinated

Today Russian Ambassador to Turkey Andrei Karlov was shot dead by an assassin at an art gallery in Ankara. The assassin is alleged to be a local police officer who during the killing praised the name of his higher power, one he chooses to call Allah.

Due to the nature of the event a number of high quality photographs and videos of the attacker and the attack itself are circulating. There is no credible news on the identity Mevlüt Mert Altıntaş has been identified as the shooter and his fate is still unknown at this time suggesting he is still at large and possibly being supported in his evasion of justice is in custody.

Two and a half miles away the United States embassy complex was shut down due to a "security incident". United States Lame Duck President Hussein Bahamas still enjoys a bit more than a month in office with which he can start a hot war with Russia.

The Wail of "Our Democracy"! A Holiday Roundup Xtend Special Edition (TM)(R)

We bring tidings of lulz in this very Qntra Roundup Xtend Holiday Special Edition.

  • Following a recount of votes, Trump's margin of victory increased in the states where ballots were re-examined, and substantial voter fraud was uncovered in Michigan. It was revealed that in the democratic party stronghold of Detroit far more votes were initially counted than were actually cast, and this fraud favored Trump's challenger Hillary Rodham-Clinton. Officials in Detroit are attributing the fraud to "errors" involving faulty voting machines.  This news did not receive attention in the "mainstream" press.
  • Following a week long divide between the CIA and FBI on whether Russia influenced the election the two agencies came together to believe that Russia was probably involved. Further in a statement the US Secretary of Homeland Security and the Director of National Intelligence1 stated they believe that the sort of hacks observed could have only been ordered by senior Russian officials.
  • Wikileaks continues to assert that the leaked Democratic National Committee lulz came from a party insider.
  • A single spear phishing email reportedly compromised a number of servers at the United States' Department of Defense and the accounts of hundreds of senior officers including a number of Generals were compromised. As a result the Pentagon trashed the old machines, bought new machines, and bought new software licenses with which to refill the machines.
  • Media talking heads taking a "moderate" position on alleged Russian hacking are being moderate by suggesting Russia didn't hack voting machines, but instead "hacked" the voters through social engineering. To them this still amounts to unacceptable "foreign interference".
  • There is minimal discussion on the foreign interference on the election exercised by George Soros, The Guardian, Qatar, and numerous other supporters of Hillary Rodham Clinton's Democratic party.
  • The electoral college meets to submit the actual Presidential vote on Monday. Some especially butthurt fantasies involve the electors, selected for their history of party loyalty, might vote for someone other than the President elect. Another fantasy of the butthurt suggest their meeting be delayed until they can be "briefed" on all the "facts" concerning foreign interference in the election.2
  • Moves in fiat securities and bond markets suggest that with help from the guiding hand of the socialist controlled Federal Reserve, the president elect could be handed an fine handcrafted economic calamity early in his reign.
  • An informal poll of Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donald Trump voters3 suggests that 100% of them would have voted for Vladimir Putin if constitutional eligibility requirements for the Presidency were not a concern.

Peace in our uTime!

  1. Both political appointees from the side that lost the election.  

  2. If such an unconstitutional delay was prolonged indefinitely Hussein Bahamas could conceivably serve as President for life.  

  3. Two total respondents