Hard Freeze Threatens Washington DC Cherry Blossoms With Eradication Tonight

Local weather forecasters are predicting night time temperatures falling to 23 degrees Fahrenheit overnight. Temperatures under 24 degrees Fahrenheit are sufficient to possibly kill this seasons blossom buds on the swamp's beloved cherry trees. Local factions are set to bicker over the meaning of this natural turn with varying factions set to view this as an ominous sign of the God Emperor Trump's looming cuts for the sake of The Great Again or as some climate change circle jerk. Frost happens, per the local department of agriculture March 29th is the local last frost date1 in the swamp.


  1. 50% probability traditionally  

Middlebury Madness Update: Leftist Professor Attacked By Leftist Agitators Hospitalized

Middlebury College Professor Allison Stranger1 has returned to the hospital for treatment related to head and neck injuries sustained escorting a guest speaker through a dangerous crowd of her own fellow leftist Middlebury College students. The professor's husband informed the campus "community" that her classes and office hours would be cancelled while she receives treatment for a potential concussion missed during her initial hospitalization.


  1. Russell J. Leng '60 Professor of International Politics and Economics  

While Leftists Mourn Preet Legacy USG Continues Thrashing

The Dark One, Crusader of Fake JusticeWith Trump firing Preet Bharara after the bureaucrat refused resignation, the fake news media has continued to stretch their mourning for the fake justice crusader's dead career. Preet is likely to lose his position as a focal point of mourning when Trump's budget proposal is revealed later this week.

Other USG swamp relics, this time at the Securities and Exchange commission disapproved a paper Bitcoin instrument which would have allowed certain kinds of restricted US dollars to simulate buying into Bitcoin. The agency's rationale for rejection was that the United States had failed to undermine and capture the Bitcoin market as they had gold. After a few moments of bullish volatility for the US dollar, the altcurrency fell back into it's recent stable groove of 1/1200th to 1/1300th of a Bitcoin.

Choo Choo Motherfuckers: Trump Train Begins Rolling Over Opposition

This week the tracks took the Trump train into active and serious aggression against his opponents for the first time. Here's what happened.

  • One week ago US President Donald Trump alleged that his Trump Tower campaign headquarters had been surveilled under his predecessors orders. This opening move threw his opponents into a tizzy and lead the fake news media to parade former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, FBI director James Comey, and other functionaries of the Deep State to categorically reject that Trump had been surveilled or investigated for any lawful reason. Thus the fake news media refuted their past five months of drumming "Russian Collusion" over a single tweet.1
  • This was followed by the serendipitous Wikileak of substantial CIA information which threatens to gut the agency's leadership and careerist ranks for cause, because accountability is a thing in the Trumpland.
  • House Speaker Paul Ryan's plan to sever Obamacare was unveiled revealing priority GOP congressional targets to purge in the 2018 mid term primaries.
  • The week ended with Trump requesting the resignation of numerous US attorneys appointed by Hussein Bahamas including Preet Bharara.

  1. And further would turn any emergent evidence of Trump Tower surveillance into an ready made criminal case against the snoop.  

Wikileaks Hands Elected Trump US Government Weapon To Gut Careerist 'Deep State' US Government

Today Wikileaks dumped a collection of CIA material focused on the agency's activities during Hussein Bahamas second term.1 Aside from the revelation that during this period the CIA created its own, less accountable version of the NSA; the agency apparently lost exclusive control over the apparatus near the end on the Hussein Bahamas administration.

The opportune timing of this Wikileak presents Trump with the prefect pretext for draining the careerist swamp at the CIA.2 This is bullish for plumbers.


  1. The password to decrypt the archive: SplinterItIntoAThousandPiecesAndScatterItIntoTheWinds  

  2. Brave folks passing by Langley, Virginia should be on the lookout for new dykes, dams, windmills, and weirs in the area.  

The Californian Dilemma Approaching Peak LOL

The People's Republic of KKKalifornia has found itself in a pickle. While KKKalifornia is actively seeking to secede from the United States because of President Trump's election, KKKalifornia's government is desperately pleading for certain portions of the Trump agenda to be enacted. Namely KKKalifornia wants the portion of The Great Again that involves rebuilding America's infrastructure as the Cali bois who have neglected their home into ruin reject the rest of The Great Again. The arid desert territory's roads are buckling, dams are failing, and the recent, rare deluge which filled their reservoirs is set to break even more of their stuff when the soil dries.

With one hand KKKalifornia neglects its infrastructure while devoting effort to legislating cow flatulence.1 KKKalifornia's crisis is that if one wants a part of The Great Again, one has to accept all of The Great Again. Can KKKalifornia summon the honesty necessary to make amends with Trump and America, or is The Great Again going to pass the once Golden State on by?


  1. And further exports alfalfa to China while pleading thirst.  

Fake News Figure Arrested For String Of Anti Semitic Threats

The arrested fake news journalistUnited States law enforcement arrested former Intercept fake news writer Juan Thompson for allegedly making a series of anti-semitic threats. The threats which targeted Jewish community centers and the Anti-Defamation League had recently been trumpeted in the fake news media as a symptom of white aggression against minority populations. As evidenced by the picture of Thompson attached to this article, it appears that law enforcement is alleging the threats were perpetrated by a clearly non-white man.

Law enforcement is further alleging that the scheme was perpetrated by Thompson as part of a larger effort to set up an ex-girlfriend as an apparent hater. As usual with cases involving fake news the truth remains elusive.

Another Guest Lecturer Attacked On US Campus

At Middlebury College1 a guest lecture by Bell Curve co-author Charles Murray was disrupted by students protesters and turned violent as Murray was leaving campus last night. As Murray attempted to speak in the designated auditorium, the noisy disruption was so great that college administrators moved Murrary to a remote room where his lecture was broadcast to the auditorium. Following the speech when Murray was leaving campus agitators attempted to deny him egress by obstructing the path of his ride as well as jumping on the motor vehicle and pounding on it.

Middlebury College Professor Allison Stranger suffered a neck injury while escorting Murray after an agitator grabbed her head and hair then twisted with intent to disassemble the Russell J. Leng '60 Professor of International Politics and Economics. This casualty has only been reported by local media sources, with national media giving the incident sparing attention and ignoring the violent turn.

There is no information available at this time on possible criminal charges. Pence in our Time.


  1. located in Middlebury, Vermont  

A Very Special News Roundup Xtend: Sweden Conscripts, Media Turns To Praise Trump While Knifing Cabinet, Foreign Influence In French Election Overt

Welcome to a very special edition of the Qntra News1 Roundup Xtend. With the fight to summon The Great Again intensifying, the froth of lulz is spraying all over. Here's a bucket.

  • Sweden has turned to conscription in order to protect Malmo and other "no-go zones" from supposed Russian aggression. Approximately 4,000 men and women will be entered into service on January 1st 2018 from a pool of 13,000 selected for evaluation. There is no word on whether tulpas will count towards those numbers.
  • Following President Trump's nationally televised address to a joint session of Congress the lamestream and fake news media appeared to be headed towards an attempted reset with Trump. Then they came out with the knives and began attacking everyone in the President's circle except the man himself. The current focus of their aggression is Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who apparently committed the crime of being polite, genteel, and southern towards the Russian Ambassador at forgettable social events.
  • Marine Le Pen is now the poll recognized frontrunner in the French presidential election. As a result the parliament of the European Union decided open her to prosecution for "publishing violent images." This overt attempt by foreign European powers to influence the French election is getting little play in the fake news media.

  1. as opposed to earlier editions focusing on items that were not quite news.  

Great Flood Exhibit Becomes Great Leak For Home County

Grant county, Kentucky – home of Ken Ham's Ark replica – is praying for a torrent of revenue after the Christian themed exhibit has failed to provide a significant amount of money into the town despite an $18 million US dollar tax break. County Judge-Executive Steve Wood said “It’s been a great thing but it’s not brought us any money". A Great Flood of debt is now threatening to sink the town, as the County is on the brink of bankruptcy and is slated to propose job cuts and a 2% payroll cut for all employees. The controversial theme park was funded using $62 million US dollars in Tax Increment Financing granted to the organization by the City of Williamstown.