Islamic State Oppresses Minority Religion On Holy Feast Day

Today militants flying the banner of the Islamic State's Caliphate oppressed members of a minority religion in their place of worship on one of their holy feast days. The militants representing the Caliphate's interests in Egypt bombed two Coptic Christian churches as the members of the minority religion were celebrating "Palm Sunday", a feast marking their holy tradesman's triumphant return to Jerusalem days before the holy tradesman was martyred by combined Italian and Jewish police violence.

The Dog Has Been Wagged: Trump Fires 60 Cruise Missiles Into Syrian Airfield's Pussy

US President Donald Trump has taken up the mantle of "warrior for babies" following an alleged sarin gas attack.1 In keeping with his announced deviation from the Hussein Bahamas era policy of announcing military strikes months in advance, Donald Trump ordered the launch of 60 Tomahawk cruise missiles straight into the pussy of a Syrian air base near Homs.

The USS Porter and USS Ross which launched the missiles appear to still be floating suggesting the ongoing Trump led populist regime change in the United States has placed limits on Russia's support for Syrian President Assad. It remains to be seen whether this event leads to US-Russian cooperation on the path towards "Make World Great Again", or if this leads to the abortion of ongoing efforts to summon The Great Again with Trump succumbing to Clintonism. Pence in our time.

  1. Potentially a convential attack on chemical munitions storage that lead to a containment breach. Media reports are conflicting on the nature of the event. 

First Wave Of Attorneys Challenges Trumpreich

Numerous leftist attorneys in the United States have for the moment shifted from ambulance chasing to airport sitting as they scour for test cases to attack Trump's executive orders concerning ingress into the United States. Hussein Bahamas appointee to the bench Anne Donnelly (WOT:nonperson) issued an order purporting by the media to stay a substantial portion of Trump's executive order while doing little of the sort. Much of the fake news media has taken to this development with nearly the enthusiasm they show for increasing leftist violence. Slate/WaPo/ legal commentator Dahlia Lithwick (WOT:nonperson) supposed:

Donald Trump has no idea how terrifying a blue book1 and a Lexis2 password can be. He’s about to find out.

This is a very bullish indicator for metaphorical popcorn futures.3

  1. Special undersized notebook used in US exams  

  2. Arcane subscription service used by US legalists to read the law as they understand it.  

  3. Actual corn futures continue to trade in the basement.  

Iraqi Government Violating Latest OPEC Agreement, Government Blames Kurds

News has emerged that Iraq is in violation of new OPEC production quotas and is actually independently increasing exports rather than decreasing exports in concert with its OPEC brothers. The Iraqi State Organization for Marketing of Oil which is shirking this agreement accuses the autonomous Kurdish region of over exportation. It remains to be seen how the rest of OPEC chooses to handle this precious snowflake.

Russian Ambassador To Turkey Assasinated

Today Russian Ambassador to Turkey Andrei Karlov was shot dead by an assassin at an art gallery in Ankara. The assassin is alleged to be a local police officer who during the killing praised the name of his higher power, one he chooses to call Allah.

Due to the nature of the event a number of high quality photographs and videos of the attacker and the attack itself are circulating. There is no credible news on the identity Mevlüt Mert Altıntaş has been identified as the shooter and his fate is still unknown at this time suggesting he is still at large and possibly being supported in his evasion of justice is in custody.

Two and a half miles away the United States embassy complex was shut down due to a "security incident". United States Lame Duck President Hussein Bahamas still enjoys a bit more than a month in office with which he can start a hot war with Russia.

Ruskies Chase ISIS Out Of Palmyra, ISIS Returns Hours Later

ISIS retook the ancient city of Palmyra just hours after Russian airstrikes designed to drive them away from the city failed. (archived); ISIS occupied the 2000 year old site for 10 months until early this year, and destroyed many ancient temples and performed executions at the ruin sites. Palmyra is considered a strategic city because it lies along a route serving oil wells.