Shinohai's Shitcoin Roundup Xtend: BTU Breakage Heat, Zcash Instamine Lulz, And More

The "Bitcoin Unlimited" development team will be releasing their token, $BTU, on April Fool's day of this year in what will surely be hailed as one of the most fitting release dates for a team ever. Unlimited node count dropped significantly this week after the discovery of a remote crash vulnerability. Core developer Greg Maxwell stated on reddit earlier this week that “There are vulnerabilities in Unlimited which have been privately reported to you in Unlimited by Bitcoin Core folks which you have not acted on, sadly. More severe than this one, in fact.” which should ensure a steady supply of lulz in the weeks to come.

Zcash's Zooko, deciding his coin doesn't have a scammy enough image, announced this week the formation of `The Zcash foundation` which will supposedly "promote a healthy and diverse zcash community" Zooko stated he will fund the foundation with half of his "founders reward" instamine, the total amounting to 273,000 coins currently worth $13 million USD at current trade prices. Matthew Green, assistant professor of computer science at Johns Hopkins University, is reputed to be one of the foundation members, which the group hopes will add an air of legitimacy to the scheme.

A new type of ransomware, dubbed "Kirk", has surfaced in various corners of the internet demanding payment via Monero instead of Bitcoin.

Never missing an opportunity to hard fork their flaming-tire-in-a-shitpit, the Ethereum development team announced that their latest fork, codenamed "Metropolis" is now back on their roadmap after being forced to postpone the "improvements" due to The DAO hack

Hussein Bahamas To Vacation Closer To Kenya?

The doe-eyed founders of the Obama '17 Campaign for French President recently admitted to MSM that

It's definitely a joke. But it could make people think a little bit about what we could do differently in French politics.

Unsatisfied with the impending La Penmanship and the inevitable conclusion of the Nth Republique,1 this founding band of 30-something "creatives" don't appear to appreciate that Bahamas deported more people from his country and was at war longer than any other previous US President, all while greatly increasing the tax burden and doubling the national debt. Evidently, ostriches believing in the "Scandal-Free Presidency" mythology aren't unknown in the Paris area, as evidenced by the claim that

I think the whole world would love to have him as president

#pasvraiment but that hasn't stopped the increasing use of #ouionpeut.

  1. Not to mention eager to relive the glory days when foreign rulers oversaw the French / Gaulish provinces, whether that was Julius Caesar, Henry V, Henry VI, or Napolean.  

Kim Kardashian Bound, Gagged, and Robbed After Social Media Use

Kim Kardashian was bound, gagged, and robbed during a home invasion of the Parisian hotel apartment she shares with Yeezus (archived). The heist has been described in the populist media as "well planned" an attribute likely assisted by Kardashian's prolific use of social media. Using social media Kardashian uploaded substantial photo and videographic information of the residence that was likely of tremendous value for the home invaders, 10 million1 United States dollars of informational value if the reports circulating in the popular press are to be believed. Sorry for your loss.

  1. My has the value of these things dropped.  

Nth French Republic Sending Tourists To Belgium For Death

In an attempt to ease the pain of the lost business from folks who can no longer stand the stench of the Nth Republic centred in Al-Paris, Brugmann University hospital’s Michele Morret-Rauis wants to assure the world that all is well :

Of course, Belgium is not here to euthanize half the planet.

Of course! If half the planet lived under the unbearable burden of multicultural socialism, then maybe, but thankfully that's not the case, and only Europe and the Americas1 are so offensively afflicted. Nonetheless, "euthanasia tourists" are flocking to Belgium in droves, with assisted suicides doubling to 2`023 in the last five years alone, nearly half of which are French (archived). Rest in Peace in our Time.

  1. Or just ~2/7 billion homo sapiens on Earth. 

Bastille Day Truck Attack In Nice, France

In Nice, France a man attacked a crowd celebrating "Bastille Day" by using a truck as a weapon. Details about the incident are developing with estimates suggesting 30-50 at least 60 73 deaths and no according to early official statements on the number of casualties. This early media provided estimate suggests the total number of fatalities in this incident could greatly exceed those achieved in the recent Orlando gaybar shooting.This incident seems to support the late Timothy McVeigh's hypothesis that a well aimed motor vehicle makes a far more effective weapon of terror than any rifle.

In news of indeterminate relation to the Nice attack, a truck near the Eiffel tower in Paris reportedly had a cargo full of fireworks begin to ignite.

Likely Next French President Wants Bitcoin Ban

Likely next French President Marine Le Pen (WOT:nonperson) has gone on the record stating that she would like a ban on Bitcoin. Remember kids that National Socialism is still socialism with all its kleptographic tendencies intact. This holds whether Donald Trump-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) or bizzaro French Hilary Trump-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) is promoting it. Sorry for your loss. Peace in our time.

Nth French Republic Officially Dumps Freedom

France’s Council of State rejected appeals to rescind the Ministry of Interior's perceived "authority" to order the blocking and the delisting of websites without a court order. People who want to visit sites thus blocked would be redirected to the Ministry of Interior’s website, potentially allowing it to know the IP addresses of persons visiting forbidden sites and to intercept their correspondence.

Such mechanisms are accentuated in these times of the everlasting State-of-Emergency (archived), which proceeds without any control.

Paris Mass Shooters Used Plaintext SMS to Coordinate

According to French police during a raid where they killed the alleged coordinator of last Friday's mass shooting in Paris, a phone was found with plaintext SMS messages used in coordinating the event (archived). The Paris mass shooting different from those in the United States where such events occur with greater frequency in that the the French attack utilized a group of allegedly 8 shooters while such events in the United States more typically involve shooters working as individuals or pairs. French President Hollande has responded to the mass shooting with a declaration of emergency and the suspension of numerous civil rights for French citizens. Hollande has issued statement to the effect of assuring all French citizens regardless of their religious or ethnic background that their civil rights have been suspended equally.

Bharara Snubbed By Supreme Court

Bloomberg reports that the United States Supreme Court has refused to consider whether convictions won by Preet Bharara should not have been overturned on appeal (archived). While this decision to decline entertaining Bharara's zealotry only immediately rescues three defendants from the jeopardy of having their cases revived, it lays the groundwork for hundreds of other defendants to have their convictions or guilty pleas vacated under the higher standard for insider trading criminal liability established by the appellate court. This is a severe blow to the embattled Bharara's office which will now be burdened by the influx of defendants looking for freedom from the sanctions criminally imposed on them by Bharara. This is just the latest even in a long downward spiral of reality hitting Preet Bharara after his unjustly criminal prosecution of Ross Ulbricht.