Pantsuit Party loyalist and nursing home pick up artist Emmanuel Macron has been declared the winner of the French presidential election. Fake news outlets were swift to declare the Pantsuit candidate's victory after polls closed. The actual will of the French people remains uncertain amid widespread allegations that Pantsuit Party loyalists adopted the winning strategy of manipulating the election results by destroying ballots marked in favor of moderate centerist Marine Le Pen of the National Front.
This weekend France conducted the first round of their presidential elections narrowing the field to moderate populist Marine Le Pen and hard left socialist Macron. Le Pen was identified by Qntra as the favorite to become the next French president back in June of 2016. Macron on the other hand is a long time member of one of France's establishment socialist parties and has a pronounced sexual interest in the elderly. The French fake news media has been assisting Macron's campaign by ignoring his substantial record and fraudulently painting his campaign as outsider and populist. All candidates of France's established parties with a history of holding the presidency were shut out of the final round due to insufficient favorable ballots.
The final round of voting will take place on May 7th, 2017.
On March 30th, the "Commission des sanctions" of the "Autorité de Contrôle Prudentiel et de Résolution" fined the Lemon Way Payments Services Provider for over 80,000 € on various charges, among which insufficient KYC and AML performance in relation with a French Bitcoin/fiat interface.
These breach instances include mainly: failure to collect KYC paperwork for 34 customers, failure to report 9 customers to legal enforcement on suspicions of money laundering, and failure to further interrogate 20 customers, for which the declared wealth allegedly didn't match the transaction volumes.
The violations are mostly related to business in relation with an unnamed french Bitcoin/fiat interface. The ACPR aptly reminding the public that Bitcoin carries a high-risk of people actually exercising their basic human right to financial privacy.
The "Bitcoin Unlimited" development team will be releasing their token, $BTU, on April Fool's day of this year in what will surely be hailed as one of the most fitting release dates for a team ever. Unlimited node count dropped significantly this week after the discovery of a remote crash vulnerability. Core developer Greg Maxwell stated on reddit earlier this week that “There are vulnerabilities in Unlimited which have been privately reported to you in Unlimited by Bitcoin Core folks which you have not acted on, sadly. More severe than this one, in fact.” which should ensure a steady supply of lulz in the weeks to come.
Zcash's Zooko, deciding his coin doesn't have a scammy enough image, announced this week the formation of `The Zcash foundation` which will supposedly "promote a healthy and diverse zcash community" Zooko stated he will fund the foundation with half of his "founders reward" instamine, the total amounting to 273,000 coins currently worth $13 million USD at current trade prices. Matthew Green, assistant professor of computer science at Johns Hopkins University, is reputed to be one of the foundation members, which the group hopes will add an air of legitimacy to the scheme.
A new type of ransomware, dubbed "Kirk", has surfaced in various corners of the internet demanding payment via Monero instead of Bitcoin.
Never missing an opportunity to hard fork their flaming-tire-in-a-shitpit, the Ethereum development team announced that their latest fork, codenamed "Metropolis" is now back on their roadmap after being forced to postpone the "improvements" due to The DAO hack
The doe-eyed founders of the Obama '17 Campaign for French President recently admitted to MSM that
It's definitely a joke. But it could make people think a little bit about what we could do differently in French politics.
Unsatisfied with the impending La Penmanship and the inevitable conclusion of the Nth Republique,1 this founding band of 30-something "creatives" don't appear to appreciate that Bahamas deported more people from his country and was at war longer than any other previous US President, all while greatly increasing the tax burden and doubling the national debt. Evidently, ostriches believing in the "Scandal-Free Presidency" mythology aren't unknown in the Paris area, as evidenced by the claim that
I think the whole world would love to have him as president
#pasvraiment but that hasn't stopped the increasing use of #ouionpeut.
Kim Kardashian was bound, gagged, and robbed during a home invasion of the Parisian hotel apartment she shares with Yeezus (archived). The heist has been described in the populist media as "well planned" an attribute likely assisted by Kardashian's prolific use of social media. Using social media Kardashian uploaded substantial photo and videographic information of the residence that was likely of tremendous value for the home invaders, 10 million1 United States dollars of informational value if the reports circulating in the popular press are to be believed. Sorry for your loss.
My has the value of these things dropped. ↩
In an attempt to ease the pain of the lost business from folks who can no longer stand the stench of the Nth Republic centred in Al-Paris, Brugmann University hospital’s Michele Morret-Rauis wants to assure the world that all is well :
Of course, Belgium is not here to euthanize half the planet.
Of course! If half the planet lived under the unbearable burden of multicultural socialism, then maybe, but thankfully that's not the case, and only Europe and the Americas1 are so offensively afflicted. Nonetheless, "euthanasia tourists" are flocking to Belgium in droves, with assisted suicides doubling to 2`023 in the last five years alone, nearly half of which are French (archived). Rest in Peace in our Time.
Or just ~2/7 billion homo sapiens on Earth. ↩
In Nice, France a man attacked a crowd celebrating "Bastille Day" by using a truck as a weapon. Details about the incident are developing with estimates suggesting
30-50 at least 60 73 deaths and no according to early official statements on the number of casualties. This early media provided estimate suggests the total number of fatalities in this incident could greatly exceed those achieved in the recent Orlando gaybar shooting.This incident seems to support the late Timothy McVeigh's hypothesis that a well aimed motor vehicle makes a far more effective weapon of terror than any rifle.
In news of indeterminate relation to the Nice attack, a truck near the Eiffel tower in Paris reportedly had a cargo full of fireworks begin to ignite.
Likely next French President Marine Le Pen (WOT:nonperson) has gone on the record stating that she would like a ban on Bitcoin. Remember kids that National Socialism is still socialism with all its kleptographic tendencies intact. This holds whether Donald Trump-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) or bizzaro French Hilary Trump-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) is promoting it. Sorry for your loss. Peace in our time.
Tax inspectors of the government of the Nth French Republic have raided a Paris office maintained by United States based surveillance agency Google.1 The Nth French Republic's Finance Ministry insists the surveillance outfit owes them ~2 billion United States dollars. Sorry for your loss.
Known locally as La Google. ↩