In anticipation of today's summit between US President Donald Trump and Russia leader Vladimir Putin, "Special" Counsel Robert Mueller and the US Department of "Justice" handed down 22 in absentia indictments to Russian nationals. Despite Mueller's activist fanfiction writing, Trump and Putin did indeed meet in Helsinki and announced plans for greater cooperation in a joint press conference following their summit.
Twenty ships loaded with 1.2 million tons of Sorghum are changing course after China implemented anti-dumping measures targeting the grain (archived). Chinese imports of US sorghum began only five years ago and China swiftly began purchasing nearly all US exportable sorghum as livestock fodder. These boats are in the unfortunate position of requiring an entirely new market for their product while at the same time burning precious fuel in the Pacific.
Today the Syrian government announced President Bashar al Assad returned his "Legion of Honor" award to the US pantsuit slave state of France via the Romanian embassy (archived). Former French President Chiraq presented Assad with the decoration in 2001.
Overnight the US, Airstrip One, and France launched missile strikes against Syria which were condemned by both the Russians and Chinese. Out of 103 missiles launched, 71 were reportedly intercepted leaving 32 to strike targets. This move comes 373 days after Trump last directed US cruise missiles towards a Syrian airbase's pussy. Syria and Russia are reporting that this attack was "absorbed" with personel having been withdrawn from the target sites days in advance while the US insists no warning of the attack was offered.
Regional accreditors have given approval to a plan which would allow Indiana's Purdue University, a public institution, to bail out Jeff Bezos' expensive education bungle "Kaplan University" in a deal which delivers the Bezos venture relief from the costs of operating the school. The Bezos venture will still be involved after selling the money sink to Purdue for a nominal sum. Kaplan is positioned to receive an unknown amount of ongoing income for delivering "marketing" and ancilliary "services" to Purdue.
After Kim Kardashian's 20 year old sister Kylie Jenner announced she doesn't really use Snapchat anymore, traders on the NYSE began dumping shares of the application's parent company Snap Inc. More than 1.3 billion Unified Standard Dosiedos in value has been shaved off the social media firm.
The U.S. Department of [in]Justice has arrested the founder of BitFunder, Jon Montroll (WOT:nonperson) – better known as Ukyo – in response to an investigation by The FBI and the Securities and Exchange Commission. BitFunder was an early Bitcoin "securities exchange" that saw around 6000 BTC liberated from it's coffers due to a bug that allowed attackers to credit themselves funds among other lulz. The announcement on the Department of [in]Justice website alleges that Montroll lied to SEC investigators in 2013 when questioned in regards to company finances after the hack, while depositing some of his own coins to BitFund in an effort to conceal the SFYL. Mr. Montroll has been charged with two counts of perjury and a single count of obstruction of justice.