Medvedev Announces Complete Reintegration Of Crimea Into Russia

Today Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev announced that Crimea had been reintegrated into Russia following a mix up that left Crimea for some years after the Soviet Union collapse attached instead to Ukraine (archived). During the final years of the Hussein Bahamas administration Russia was pushed to reclaim the territory after foreign meddling by western governments in Ukraine destabilized the region.

'Anti-Racist' Football Tournament Cancelled After Racist Violence Between Refugee Teams

The United Colours Antifa Street Soccer Cup in Zwickau, Germany was cancelled after racist violence broke out between a primarily Arab and a primarily African team. The event's organizers are self declared Antifa terrorists and describe the competition as a demonstration that Zwickau is not for "racism and every type of discrimination", a mission statement the involved players must have failed to comprehend before the game broke down into a cacophony of racist violence.

Fractured US Government Indicts 22 Russians In Absentia While Chief Executive Makes Progress In US-Russia Cooperation

In anticipation of today's summit between US President Donald Trump and Russia leader Vladimir Putin, "Special" Counsel Robert Mueller and the US Department of "Justice" handed down 22 in absentia indictments to Russian nationals. Despite Mueller's activist fanfiction writing, Trump and Putin did indeed meet in Helsinki and announced plans for greater cooperation in a joint press conference following their summit.

The full text of Robert Muller's court approved fanfiction is below: Continue reading

Italian Government Working On Exit From F-35 Program

The new Italian government is working on developing an exit for Italy from the F-35 money pit (archived). The decision not to buy any more of the aircraft has already been announced along with the Italian intention to explore whether it is less expensive to cancel or receive delivery of their outstanding orders for 90 of the troubled aircraft.

Popular Centerist Dutch Newspaper Attacked With Flaming Van

The offices of De Telegraaf were attacked by a man with a van on fire (archived). Two attempts were made by the driver to achieve ingress to the office for his van. In the first "high speed" approach, the van was foiled by a glass wall. After the second attempt ended with a stalled van, the flames began as the driver fled. Despite probably failing to achieve the desired degree of penetration with the van, substantial fire damage was inflicted upon the building.

South Koreans Admit Racist Treachery In Lead Up To World Cup Play

South Korean coach Shin Tae-yong admited that during low stakes games before the World Cup he had a number of his players switch uniform numbers in order to thwart scouting efforts by competitors (archived). The coach cited Western white folk's inability to "distinguish between Asians" as cause to believe in the effectiveness of the tactic.

German Government Divided As Interior Minister Decides To Skip Migrant Integration Summit

German interior minister Horst Seehofer has decided not to participate in an "Integration Summit" hosted by Mother Merkel in a growing internal dispute over Germany's border policies (archived). Seehofer has opposed Mother Merkel's demand that no migrants be denied entry to Germany, even if the migrants are caught in the act of entering illegally. Meanwhile Merkel is calling for a unified approach to the Migrant problem, chastizing the rest of the continent that:

Italy did not feel it was receiving sufficient support from other European Union states. (archived)

Earlier this week the new Italian Interior Minister closed all of the country's ports to a human trafficking vessel which intended to ferry more than 600 African clients from Libyan waters to Italy. Spain eventually decided to extend the vessel an invitation to offload its human cargo.

Populists Thwart Italian President – Candidate For Finance Minister Found Who Hasn't Talked About Leaving Eurozone… Yet

Italian populist parties managed to find a finance minister capable of salvaging their effort at forming a coalition government after the Italian President sabotaged their earlier efforts (archived). After Italian and international fiat markets suffered this week in the wake of President Sergio Mattarella's affront to their democracy, the puppet former IMF head Mattarella appointed as interim Prime Minister happily resigned his mandate when Five Star and the League found an anti-Euro finance minister who hadn't actually proposed leaving the Eurozone in public yet.