Media Attacks Montana Candidate For Defending Self Against Physical Assault By Goon

Numerous left wing fake news outlets are besieging Montana congressional candidate Greg Gianforte after Ben Jacobs, a goon and agitator hired by the Britain's Guardian toilet paper, attempted to assault the candidate.

On the eve of the special election, Jacobs entered Gianforte's office without invitation during a meeting with another so-called journalist. Jacobs immediately engaged in verbal aggression and came within a distance of the candidate so close as to cause alarm, especially in light of the growing epidemic of leftist violence in the United States. Gianforte engaged in justified self defense to expel the invader from his office.

After the local sheriff cited Gianforte for misdemeanor assault on the strength of witness testimony delivery the invader Jacobs' allied witnesses who happened to be in the room meeting with the candidate when Jacobs began his performance.

Gianforte's only major fault in this situation lies in the risk miscalculation that lead him to attempt to engage with political agents of the fake news establishment as though they were neutral observers or actual journalists. Gianforte made a second, minor error in not roughing up the other journalists present in order to change their standing from witnesses to combatants, but this error follows from the first.

Still No Consensus Supporting Bitcoin Hardfork – Barry Silbert Pretends Otherwise To His Peril

Barry Silbert's (WOT:nonperson) "Digital Currency Group" announced in a medium post that yet another delusion of consensus arrived in the Bitcoin scaling debate with "A conference sponsored by the Ethereum,1 Dash,2 and Ripple3 scams produces an agreement on how to scale Bitcoin". The post outlined the reasons the conference attendees believe they get to make decisions in Bitcoin, with claims of support for the proposals by:

  • 56 "companies" located in 21 countries4
  • 83.28% of hashing power5
  • 5.1 billion US dollars of monthly on chain transaction volume6
  • 20.5 million Bitcoin wallets 7

A selection of scam artists doing business as "companies" while lacking the charm necessary to fleece the elderly allege they will "provide technical and engineering support to test and support the upgrade software, as well as to assist companies with preparing for the upgrades". Noted names incapable of providing meaningful testing or support such as: the MLM BitClub Network, Ryan X. Charles' paywalled spam reader, and Gavin Assassinsen were offered as options for the forkcurious to seek support from.


  1. Not Bitcoin.  

  2. Not Bitcoin.  

  3. Not Bitcoin.  

  4. For a very loose definition of company.  

  5. Unverified and unimportant  

  6. Volume denoted in wrong units 

  7. Entirely meaningless construction  

Impeachment Fantasy Of US Socialist Party Begins Collapsing As Infighting Resumes

The socialist fad sweeping fake news outlets last week threatening a swift Trump impeachment appears to be cracking as the US arm of the Pantsuit Party faces difficulty handling its constituents. National Party chair Tom Perez was heckled for being himself and using insufficiently vulgar language towards Donald Trump, elected United States President and High Priest of The Great Again.

While the Pantsuits and their constituents on Reddit and WORLDSTAR continue escalating their public conflicts, evidence continues to mount that an insider and not the Russians were behind the publication of the party's emails. President Trump, through once again turning towards action, compelled the fake news media to show Trump's warm reception by the Saudis and the Israelis.1


  1. Not mentioned by the fake news media is both regimes' traditional alignment towards the United States and against Russia.  

Careerist US Attorney Prosecutes Private Money For Property Exchange

Acting U.S. Attorney Tom Larson of the Western District of Missouri has prosecuting a case of exchanging money for property as a criminal act. The victim Jason R. Klein plead guilty to running an "illegal currency exchange" that per the prosecution only handled money on one side of the transaction as the other side of the transaction was property. Had the case been prosecuted to a verdict in favor of the prosecution, it would have set a precedent for prosecuting any transactions between private parties.

Tom Larson is a careerist employed by the US Attorney's office for the Western District of Missouri since 1980 before finding himself in this interim leadership position. This is a typical career path of least resistance undertaken by swamp creatures embedded as obstacles to The Great Again.

Fakes News On Trump/Russia Hallucination Continues As Trump Bombs Convoy Of Actual Russian Ally Syria

The swamp creatures of the Washington DC establishment have enlisted former FBI director Robert Mueller to serve as a special prosecutor investigating fake news complaints about Russia stealing last year's US election from the pantsuit party candidate. As a consequence, allegations of an actual conspiracy of disloyal wreckers in the GOP1 defecting to the pantsuit party's cause over fake news are circulating. The alleged wreckers suppose the Trumpreich is getting in the way of their agenda and suppose a President Pence just might be more cooperative.2

Meanwhile there has been no prosecuting action directed towards then candidate Barack Hussein Obama's 2008 sabotage of negotiations between the George W. Bush administration and Iran. (archived) The then candidate for president offered the Mullahs a more generous deal than the sitting president would allow, if only they could stall negotiations until his coronation.

Further, the US military operating under orders from the 8 year Trumpreich bombed a convoy belonging to actual Russian ally Syria for violating a conflict de-escalation zone.


  1. The minor US socialist party which Trump saved through ideological alignment with the International Populist Party.  

  2. This is a longshot considering Pence's ideological concordance with Trump.  

Sears Takes Tool Giant TTI To Court As Suppliers Flee

Sears, the ailing official retailer of the original American Great,1 has pre-emptively taken tool giant Techtronic Industries (TTI) to court in order to stave off inevitable supply contract renegotiations. TTI has grown to supply the bulk of power tools sold under retailer specific private label brands including many sold as part of the Craftsman brand that Sears recently sold to Stanley Black and Decker. Naturally the combination of Sears dwindling ability to pay vendors and the natural aversion to producing products for one's chief competitor has placed Techtronics in a situation that makes reconsidering its relationship with Sears desirable.

This news comes as Sears lost a five year old patent case against a smaller vendor whose product design they had ripped off and sold under their former Craftsman brand. In five short years Sears has gone from the large retailer bullying smaller vendors to the small retailer trying to bully vendors they helped to make larger than themselves.

Once again it appears that abusing a relic of the original American Great has succeeded in turning billions into millions.


  1. As opposed to the long awaited Great Again  

Mizzou Protest Fallout Continues With Crashing Rental Market

Landlords in Columbia, Missouri are drastically reducing rents and offering all manner of incentives to entice student renters as a result of the ongoing and steep enrollment decline at the University of Missouri. The university itself has closed seven residence halls and declined to replace the now condemned1 University Village on campus apartment complex.

Numerous other businesses have closed with Strange Donuts blaming their departure on fallout from the unrest, and this suggests a substantial fall in retail and commercial rents may be looming as well or already happening quietly.

The one bright spot in Columbia is Mizzou's basketball recruiting class, which is ranked 6th nationally. Last season the basketball team was tied for last place in their conference with an 8-23 record, and they finished last in their conference for three consecutive years.

Meanwhile, plans at the University of Michigan to renovate the student union have clashed against opposition to preserving the building's historic wood panelling as allegedly students find its quiet presence too imposing and masculine.


  1. The complex had allegedly been recommended for demolition in 2008, and after a small collapse killed a fireman, ambitious plans to replace the complex with a higher capacity one were circulated. Further talk of rebuilding anything at all on the prime location has disappeared.  

Starbucks Fiat Point Of Sale System Goes Down

A "technology update" for point-of-sale systems at registers has left a number of Starbucks stores in the United States and Canada unable to process electronic payments today, leaving the affected stores no choice but to accept filthy physical fiat. Customers naturally flocked to social media to vent their outrage, leading some stores to give away free coffee to placate the caffeine deprived mob. A company spokeswoman said "We are working swiftly to resume full operations in each of these stores".

New Plastic (Definitely Not Sterling) UK Pound Notes Cut Noses

Fiat turned potentially deadly this week as it was reported that some cocaine aficionados in the United Kingdom were left with nasal cuts after using the new polymer 5 pound notes to sniff the drug. Cheekily referred to as "being Winstoned" (Due to Winston Churchill's mug adorning the notes), the practice could increase the spread of infections or blood-borne pathogens if the note is used by multiple users.

Doge Doldrums Drum On

This weeks revelation that Dogecoin Tipbot creator Mohland stole all user funds from the service has resulted in shibes becoming a laughingstock across the wider internet, even on sites that formerly hailed the scam as "fun". Dogecoin creator Jackson Palmer returned from the dead and made a reddit post where he outlines steps for the future to the ever-shrinking userbase, all the while never mentioning the outright theft that occurred. Dogecoin price has plummeted to 1/10th of a cent and ranks at #15 on coinmarketcap.com, having fallen from its once prominent position on the site as a top 5 altcorn.