New Plastic (Definitely Not Sterling) UK Pound Notes Cut Noses

Fiat turned potentially deadly this week as it was reported that some cocaine aficionados in the United Kingdom were left with nasal cuts after using the new polymer 5 pound notes to sniff the drug. Cheekily referred to as "being Winstoned" (Due to Winston Churchill's mug adorning the notes), the practice could increase the spread of infections or blood-borne pathogens if the note is used by multiple users.

Zooko Proposes Undermining Already Questionable Privacy Measure While Remaining Complete

Zcash creator Zooko stated on twitter that he believes he can "successfully make Zcash too traceable for criminals … while still being completely private and fungible". Zooko seems blissfully aware of what constitutes an oxymoron instead opting to be a moron on social media by taking cues from everyone's favorite crypto scammer and snake-oil salesman Gavin Andresen.

Doge Doldrums Drum On

This weeks revelation that Dogecoin Tipbot creator Mohland stole all user funds from the service has resulted in shibes becoming a laughingstock across the wider internet, even on sites that formerly hailed the scam as "fun". Dogecoin creator Jackson Palmer returned from the dead and made a reddit post where he outlines steps for the future to the ever-shrinking userbase, all the while never mentioning the outright theft that occurred. Dogecoin price has plummeted to 1/10th of a cent and ranks at #15 on, having fallen from its once prominent position on the site as a top 5 altcorn.

Dogecointipbot Creator Admits Constant Embezzlement While Shutting Down Service: Sorry For Your Loss

Reddit user /u/mohland, creator of Dogecointipbot, announced on the r/dogecoin subreddit Monday that he had been scamming users since at least 2015 by diverting funds deposited into into /u/dogetipbot into his own ventures and would be shutting the service down. He was quick to reassure that at least their Sorry For Your Loss wasn't due to a hack and that he was going to publish the dogecointip bot code, sure to inspire the next generation of reddit scammers, and which is ultra-secure because it "never had an external hot wallet breach in the 3.5 years we've been running". Hacks that occurred on individual reddit accounts drained the tipbot hot wallet forcing /u/mohland to admit he could no longer keep the flaming tire burning in this particular shitpit any longer. Users of the service were reporting losses in the tens of dollars.

Mohland has been forced to declare Chapter 7 bankruptcy, finally fulfilling the prophecy in Trilema where it was stated that anyone "investing" in the scheme would be dancing in the streets for nickels. The announcement closed by stating that he does not "personally hold no cryptocurrencies nor do I have any desire to in the future". Reddit users have grabbed pitchforks and threatened litigation, though in typical fashion most users will likely forget about it all by next week when the next ponzicoin grabs their attention. Sorry for your loss. Opens "Spam As A Service" Service

As previously mentioned in a Shitcoin Roundup Xtend(TM)(R), 21co has positioned itself to become the latest spam as a service by announcing the release of it's "Bitcoin Email" to the general public. 21co assures the public that "Famous people" that no one has ever heard of and aren't in the Web of Trust are currently using the product, which allows users to send such gems as surveys, tasks, and other items which normally hit your Spam folder to be sent to "curated lists of individuals and professionals". Participants are rewarded with Bitcoin shavings, or "micropayments" which is redditard jargon for individuals that don't have much actual Bitcoin. The shift in focus comes after the company failed to convince enough gullible people to shell out $400+ on their "mining hardware" that could never hope to offer a return on investment, instead now hoping to "disrupt social media networks through micropayments" which will likely be true as users will be required to click delete on 21co's proffering before resuming their visual journey through myriad cat pictures. (archived)

Post Production To Ransom To Torrent Pipeline Growing

A hacker known as `darkoverlord` released the entire upcoming season of the Netflix series “Orange Is the New Black” on Saturday after he said the network failed to meet his ransom demands, and threatens to release content pilfered from other studios that refuse his requests. Larson Studios, a post-production company for major television and movie studios in Los Angeles, is the apparent source of the breach and the hacker claims to be in possession of yet unreleased content from ABC, Fox, National Geographic and IFC. Reports indicate that the FBI had knowledge of the hacks as early as January, but in typical fashion did not notify the affected parties of their Sorry For Your Loss until about a month ago.

The attacker appears to be a very busy entity, having been named as the responsible party for a breach of the Indiana charity the Little Red Door Cancer Services. thedarkoverlord deleted all of the organizations main and backup servers and demanded a 50 BTC ransom to restore their data, which they were unable to pay. The moniker has also popped up on darknet website "TheRealDeal" where they attempted to sell healthcare and insurance information obtained in at least 3 other breaches for various prices denominated in Bitcoin.

The other affected television networks have declined comment regarding taunts made by the attacker on twitter. Netflix only responded so far as to say they were aware of the events and were placing their full trust in "Law Enforcement Authorities" to fix the situation.

Shinohai's Shitcoin Roundup Xtend(TM)(R): Antbleed, The Persistence of Winklevii, etc

Bitcoin mining hardware manufacturer Bitmain came under fire this week when it was revealed their firmware contained code that could remotely shut down customers mining equipment. The affected miners check in to a central server at a random interval (between 1- 11 minutes) and transmits the miner serial number, MAC address and IP address. The Antbleed site stated that “Even without Bitmain being malicious, the API is unauthenticated and would allow any MITM, DNS or domain hijack to shutdown Antminers globally.” This is the second scandal to affect Bitmain in recent weeks since Greg Maxwell revealed the company had been using "ASICboost" to give themselves an unfair mining advantage of up to 20% over their customers.

The United States Security and Exchange Commission granted the Winklevii another review of their Bitcoin ETF, which was denied during it's first review.

Police in Mumbai arrested 18 individuals involved in the MLM altcorn Onecoin, and seized four bank accounts totaling $2.6 million USD.

Juan Benet (WOT: nonperson) announced he is working on vaporware called "Interplanetary File System" or IPFS which he hopes will allow users of such flaming-tires-in-shitpits as Ethereum and Zcash to access their scamcoins from one convenient location. (archived)

G Inflation Continues In Fiat RF Allocation With Austin, Texas Getting Fifth G

AT&T has announced a "limited rollout" of their new vaporware 5G Evolution network for Samsung Galaxy S8 devices in Austin, Texas soon. The company, which is currently the second-largest mobile services provider in the United States, assures customers that speeds on the network will be "twice as fast" as their current 4G LTE network offerings though the fine print in their press release states that these are “forward-looking statements that are subject to risks and uncertainties, and actual results may differ materially.” The announcement is likely a re-branding of their current 4G offerings created to foster competition with their main competitor Verizon Wireless, which outbid AT&T for a large portion of the 5G wireless spectrum in January. The goal is to have the non-existent network available in 20 metropolitan locations by the end of the year.

Plastc – Crowdfunded "Credit Card Of The Futures" Goes SFYL

Backers of fiat vaporware company Plastc are feeling the sting of a 9 Million USD Sorry For Your Loss after their pre-orders were abruptly cancelled this week when executives announced instead a shutdown and bankruptcy filing. The company, which once promised consumers one credit and debit card to rule all their various cards, lost two investment deals back-to-back, of $3.5 million and $6.75 million USD respectively and filed for US Bankruptcy protection on Thursday. All customer support personnel and social media managers have been laid off, leaving persons who pre-ordered no product and no avenue by which to find out when, if any, of their monies invested will be recouped. (archived)

Shinohai's Shitcoin Roundup Xtend (TM)(R): Monero Ring Solution, Coinbase Presents GDAX Has Goxlike Phenomenon, And Another Hoaxtoshi

A site surfaced recently known as "Monero Link" and claims to be able to uncover the precious ring signatures that have made Monero the darling of reddit privacy tards and users of darknet markets.

The Coinbase fiat interface GDAX suffered a bug on Sunday that sent Bitcoin prices plummeting down to $0.06 BTC/USD1 following "schedule maintenance". Brian Armstrong and the other Coinbase cryptcurrency expertsexchange did not wait to reopen market executions that allows orders to populate adequately, though margin trading companies said it "mattered little" because Coinbase is such a small player in the game.

Porsche, having already ruined transmissions with it's Tiptronic offerings, seeks to do the same with Bitcoin as it tries to entice developers and startup companies to provide "blockchain solutions" for the company.

A new, improved Hoaxtoshi has surfaced in Bali, and is meeting "community members" in his hotel and answering questions on as the anonymous Bitcon founder. This Hoaxtoshi told he was unable to sign either an early Bitcoin transaction or a statement with his original GPG key because “A sequence of events unfolded in 2010 that caused me the loss of all my keys.” He further claims only 2 copies of his Bitcoin private keys existed; one in an encrypted notepad document and the other was stored in his original GMX email account. "Mr. Nakamoto" conveniently is unable to access either source and alleges losing the data was what led to him leaving the Bitcoin project suddenly.

  1. Just like on Gox