CoinBase Fiat Side Glitch Opens Butts For Hurts

An unnamed bug in Coinbase's purchasing system is responsible for multiple cases of SFYL this week, with angry redditards reporting having their bank accounts drained of filthy fiat after making a single purchase on the platform. As always, Coinbase was quick to lay the blame elsewhere, stating “We have confirmed that this is an issue occurring downstream from Coinbase, and we’re working with those parties to reach a resolution.”

The glitch went unnoticed from Jan.22 until Feb.11 and "customer service" reps from Coinbase say everyone should rest assured that they will be refunded in full. The company recently made changes to how it handles credit card purchases, listing them as "cash advances" at the point-of-sale, resulting in all the customer's cash being advanced directly to Coinbase's coffers. The front page of r/Coinbase on reddit stands as a testament to the escalating number of rubes who probably now wish they were using actual bitcoin.

ICO Scams Continue: Dying Kodak's Appears To Stall Before Starting

Eastman Kodak Company has announced that numerous "fake webpages and facebook accounts" are offering fraudulent KodakCoins for sale, despite the company not having the actual scam token available to the general public yet. Kodak executives awarded themselves company shares in the day before the announcement that they would license the brand to a "blockchain project company" which caused share prices to nearly double. Kerrisdale capital, a hedge fund, said in analysis of the project that "the team behind KODAKCOIN has zero credibility" and the chairman and founder behind the ICO is "a stock promoter that was previously banned from a Canadian stock exchange." Eastman Kodak Co. filed for bankruptcy around 6 years ago, with debts of more than $6.75 billion USD and has failed to make a comeback despite Citibank infusing it with $950 million in cash to prop-up operations.

Mayoman Squeals As Buterin's Waterfall Weakens

Oink OinkMayogendered money-man Agustín Carstens, general manager of the Bank for International Settlement, is calling Bitcoin “a combination of a bubble, a Ponzi scheme and an environmental disaster” and urges banks and regulators to "clamp down" on Bitcoin and other "cryptocurrencies" to prevent them from becoming a “threat to financial stability”. He further stated that

"If the only ‘business case’ is use for illicit or illegal transactions, central banks cannot allow such tokens to rely on much of the same institutional infrastructure that serves the overall financial system and freeload on the trust that it provides." — A homo sapien operating at a profound calorie surplus for a very long time

Pretend Bitcoin service and exchange Conbase has already blazed the path for such sentiments, charging "customers" nearly 10% of their BTC value in fees and interest per transaction. On Monday, Lloyds bank of Britain also followed suit, banning the use of credit cards to buy Bitcoin and “cryptocurrencies”, their reasoning being that customers will be unable to repay their debts due to the volatile nature of pricing.

Buttfunex Preparing For Another Insertion: Sorry For Your Loss

Buttfinex is gearing up to stuff as much SFYL into their USD "Tether" platform as possible according to a recent post on their blog. The company states that they are "excited to announce the forthcoming launch of Tether USD tokens as an ERC20 token on the Ethereum network" and will be "working with the TREZOR development community to complete the integration for Tether USD" on the trezor hardware wallet, giving the device something else to phone home about. The post went on to address concerns regarding the company's solvency, balking at releasing the full range of audits as they "were not in a form suitable for public consumption". Information for the Taiwan-based auditing firm TOPSUN CPAs & Co. listed in the post, which they claimed handled the audits, could not be found. (archived)

Fake News Still Stoking Loser's Delusions

Hillary Clinton announced in an interview on the "CBS Sunday Morning" show that she would not be seeking the Democratic party presidential nomination in 2020 following her humiliating defeat which was cemented on June 16, 2016. The Pantsuit admitted that her loss "still is very painful. It hurts a lot" and says she intended to remain involved in politics for the time being in other capacities. Clinton is currently slated to embark upon a nationwide tour to promote her book What Happened which attempts to explain her personal SFYL.

US Serf Recorder Equifax Hacked

Consumer credit Indenture reporting firm Equifax announced on Thursday that they were hacked sometimes between May and July, and that the personal data of up to 143 million people1 in the U.S. was liberated. The information for some U.K. and Canadian residents was exposed as well. The company says they became aware of the breach on July 29 of this year, and hired an undisclosed cybersecurity firm to investigate. News of the breach, which could be one of the biggest in the U.S. ever, caused Equifax shares to fall 5.4% in after-market trading.


  1. This is roughly half of them.  

Blockchain.info Huffs Fumes

The well known "web wallet" service blockchain.info has revealed plans to support Ether, allowing huffers to SEND and RECEIVE Ether from within the "Bitcoin" interface. Users that log into their blockchain.info account are greeted with a "Welcome to Ether" banner and a brief introduction on the history of flaming tires in shitpits.

The intro states under the heading "Why Should Use It?" that "As the Ethereum platform grows, more intelligent applications will be built on top of it. We want to give you the opportunity to start using ether now, so you'll be ready to use these products in the future." Such "intelligent applications" in the past have included the DAO and using these products will likely result in more SFYL in the future.

Trezor, Others Affected By "Fault Injection" – May Leak Keys

A security flaw in Trezor hardware Bitcoin wallets can reveal users private keys, due to faulty STMicroelectronics chips used in the manufacture of the devices. While Trezor has released a fix for the hack detailed in this archived Medium post, the company – along with other hardware wallet manufacturers such as KeepKey – will continue to use chips from STMicroelectronics that may contain other fault injection vulnerabilities, and result in SFYL if Government agencies or other parties gain access to the device for even a short period of time. Trezor assured users that "everything is fine" and “coins are safe” provided devices are kept within reach of their owners since the glitch isn't a remote execution attack. A blog post on the trezor.io website promises that they will "publish a detailed report in the coming days".

Buttfunex Quits United States Denying Its People Butt Fun Exchanges

Buttfunex announced in a blog post today that "effective immediately, we will no longer be accepting verification requests for U.S. individuals", and would discontinue all services to existing U.S. customers over the next 90 days. The news follows a decision by Buttfunex earlier this week to suspend trading of "Digital Asset Tokens" or ICO funbux "Pursuant to the recent report of investigation issued by the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission". (archived)

Roger Ver-ified Fork Fails To Mine Block In Four Hours And Counting, Exchange Rate Low

Summer of forks lulz have hit an inflection point today, with the "Bitcoin Cash" (abbreviated BCC, BCH, and SFYL ) altcoin breaking away from actual Bitcoin. ViaBTC mining pool, the biggest proponent of the split, mined the first Bitcoin block, 478559, following the fork which was promptly rejected by "Bitcoin Cash" nodes. At the time of the writing of this article – nearly 4 hours into the split – BCH miners have failed to find a single block on their own chain. Trading on ViaBTC exchange was slightly above 5,000 BTC and price hovered at 0.109 BTC per coin.