Hard Freeze Threatens Washington DC Cherry Blossoms With Eradication Tonight

Local weather forecasters are predicting night time temperatures falling to 23 degrees Fahrenheit overnight. Temperatures under 24 degrees Fahrenheit are sufficient to possibly kill this seasons blossom buds on the swamp's beloved cherry trees. Local factions are set to bicker over the meaning of this natural turn with varying factions set to view this as an ominous sign of the God Emperor Trump's looming cuts for the sake of The Great Again or as some climate change circle jerk. Frost happens, per the local department of agriculture March 29th is the local last frost date1 in the swamp.


  1. 50% probability traditionally  

CEO Marissa Mayer Out At Yahoo As Verizon To Rebrand The Thing To Altaba

Verizon announced that Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer, who presided over the leaks of everything, will be parting ways with Verizon and Yahoo. Further Verizon will be renaming the thing1 formerly known as Yahoo as Altaba. Mayer will recieve 23 million US dollars as severance in exchange for getting the fuck out of the way as Verizon attempts to get some value out of this rapidly spoiling acquisition. Peace in our time.


  1. Because more specific words like firm, business, etc fail to truly describe the loose collection of 90's nostalgia an impulse purchases assembled by Mayer  

Middlebury Madness Update: Leftist Professor Attacked By Leftist Agitators Hospitalized

Middlebury College Professor Allison Stranger1 has returned to the hospital for treatment related to head and neck injuries sustained escorting a guest speaker through a dangerous crowd of her own fellow leftist Middlebury College students. The professor's husband informed the campus "community" that her classes and office hours would be cancelled while she receives treatment for a potential concussion missed during her initial hospitalization.


  1. Russell J. Leng '60 Professor of International Politics and Economics  

While Leftists Mourn Preet Legacy USG Continues Thrashing

The Dark One, Crusader of Fake JusticeWith Trump firing Preet Bharara after the bureaucrat refused resignation, the fake news media has continued to stretch their mourning for the fake justice crusader's dead career. Preet is likely to lose his position as a focal point of mourning when Trump's budget proposal is revealed later this week.

Other USG swamp relics, this time at the Securities and Exchange commission disapproved a paper Bitcoin instrument which would have allowed certain kinds of restricted US dollars to simulate buying into Bitcoin. The agency's rationale for rejection was that the United States had failed to undermine and capture the Bitcoin market as they had gold. After a few moments of bullish volatility for the US dollar, the altcurrency fell back into it's recent stable groove of 1/1200th to 1/1300th of a Bitcoin.

Choo Choo Motherfuckers: Trump Train Begins Rolling Over Opposition

This week the tracks took the Trump train into active and serious aggression against his opponents for the first time. Here's what happened.

  • One week ago US President Donald Trump alleged that his Trump Tower campaign headquarters had been surveilled under his predecessors orders. This opening move threw his opponents into a tizzy and lead the fake news media to parade former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, FBI director James Comey, and other functionaries of the Deep State to categorically reject that Trump had been surveilled or investigated for any lawful reason. Thus the fake news media refuted their past five months of drumming "Russian Collusion" over a single tweet.1
  • This was followed by the serendipitous Wikileak of substantial CIA information which threatens to gut the agency's leadership and careerist ranks for cause, because accountability is a thing in the Trumpland.
  • House Speaker Paul Ryan's plan to sever Obamacare was unveiled revealing priority GOP congressional targets to purge in the 2018 mid term primaries.
  • The week ended with Trump requesting the resignation of numerous US attorneys appointed by Hussein Bahamas including Preet Bharara.

  1. And further would turn any emergent evidence of Trump Tower surveillance into an ready made criminal case against the snoop.  

US Sportscaster Touts South Korean Victory Over China (The Republic of) in World Baseball Classic, Ignores Actual Losses By People's Republic

Today on St Louis's evening fake news, sportscaster Frank Cusamano of KSDK referred to "Chinese Taipei"1 as China in an aggressive move demeaning the socialist cucks at the People's Republic of China. The People's Republic of China instead lost Thursday's game 11-0 via the "mercy rule" to the Australian national team following a tournament opening 6-0 loss to Cuba. It has yet  to be seen if the embarrassment of owning their losses will be overcome with a statement from the People's Republic admonishing Cusamano for his transgression against the "One China" myth.


  1. Also known as Taiwan or The Republic of China  

Wikileaks Hands Elected Trump US Government Weapon To Gut Careerist 'Deep State' US Government

Today Wikileaks dumped a collection of CIA material focused on the agency's activities during Hussein Bahamas second term.1 Aside from the revelation that during this period the CIA created its own, less accountable version of the NSA; the agency apparently lost exclusive control over the apparatus near the end on the Hussein Bahamas administration.

The opportune timing of this Wikileak presents Trump with the prefect pretext for draining the careerist swamp at the CIA.2 This is bullish for plumbers.


  1. The password to decrypt the archive: SplinterItIntoAThousandPiecesAndScatterItIntoTheWinds  

  2. Brave folks passing by Langley, Virginia should be on the lookout for new dykes, dams, windmills, and weirs in the area.  

The Californian Dilemma Approaching Peak LOL

The People's Republic of KKKalifornia has found itself in a pickle. While KKKalifornia is actively seeking to secede from the United States because of President Trump's election, KKKalifornia's government is desperately pleading for certain portions of the Trump agenda to be enacted. Namely KKKalifornia wants the portion of The Great Again that involves rebuilding America's infrastructure as the Cali bois who have neglected their home into ruin reject the rest of The Great Again. The arid desert territory's roads are buckling, dams are failing, and the recent, rare deluge which filled their reservoirs is set to break even more of their stuff when the soil dries.

With one hand KKKalifornia neglects its infrastructure while devoting effort to legislating cow flatulence.1 KKKalifornia's crisis is that if one wants a part of The Great Again, one has to accept all of The Great Again. Can KKKalifornia summon the honesty necessary to make amends with Trump and America, or is The Great Again going to pass the once Golden State on by?


  1. And further exports alfalfa to China while pleading thirst.  

Bitcoin Network Mining Difficulty Up Yet Again To 460769358090.71423340 For New All Time High

The Bitcoin network mining difficulty has risen to 460769358090.71423340 from 440779902286.58917236 in a change of ~4.535 percent. This is in line with last period's rise of ~4.4 percent. Meanwhile fiat/Bitcoin interfaces continue to steadily report record malaise on the fiat side. Reported prices continue to be near or below the 2013 MtGox record low for the US dollar.