Major Socialist Party Emails Free In Time For Convention

Hacked emails from the Democratic National Committee are circulating freely in full unredacted glory just in time for Hillary Rodham-Clinton's cornation at the Democratic National Convention. Particularly juicy nuggets include full names, social security numbers, and credit card numbers of donors along with petty bickering. Notable bickering includes an email chain that determined the Obamas would be forbidden to book a performance at the White House from  petite pop singer Ariana Grande because she triggered a bunch of transmayos1 by licking a tray of donuts.

Meanwhile the Republican National Convention proceeded smoothly. On the first day an effort to allow delegates to vote ballots other than Donald Trump-Clinton was quashed. This was followed by Ted Cruz's refusal to endorse Donald Trump-Clinton which served as a unifying catalyst for the party. The convention closed with a speech by Donald Trump-Clinton which was insufficiently dark2 concerning the bleak prospects for the United States.

The cherry on top of the upcoming Democratic National Convention lulz is  Rodham-Clinton's selection of the socially conservative abortion hating Tim Kaine as zher running mate. In addition to criticism of Kaine's selection for supporting the Republican Party's platform on many social issues Kaine is drawing substantial criticism for being a bad sports fan pledging allegiance to the University of Kansas Jayhawks while being a graduate of Mizzou. Sorry for your loss.


  1. One of the party's major electoral demographics  

  2. Naturally mainstream press criticized the speech for being "too dark" and gloomy.  

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