US Congress Considers Expanding Authority Of Bureaucratic Magistrates

Neatly mirroring the decaying implementation of Justice in the Soviet Union fifty years prior, The United States Congress is considering changing the Federal Rules of Criminal Procedure in a way that greatly favors police and prosecutors. Chief among this changes is broadening the authority of sub-judicial magistrate "judges" (functionally they are police station gonzos, working mostly as police detectives) to issue warrants and have their warrants recognized outside of their immediate jurisdiction. Due to their para-judicial role indented to supplement actual judges magistrates have traditionally had their limited authority end at the border of their immediate district's borders. The proposed changes are presented in full below: Continue reading

New Vatican Bank Scandal: Coinbase Style Account Closures

Tommaso Di Ruzza, director of the Vatican's Financial Information Authority, announced the completion of a 3-year investigation into the Institute of Religious Works bank, resulting in the closure of nearly 5000 accounts. Pope Benedict XVI established the FIA in 2010 as a way to prevent church accounts being used for undesirable purposes. Account holders in the past have included reputed members of the mafia, although the Vatican has stated publicly it could not identify 1000's of account holders or their connection to the church and it's charitable missions. At the time of the writing of this article, no one has been indicted or prosecuted as the result of evidence uncovered during the investigations.

Politically Inclined Serial Child Molester Gets 15 Months In Prison

Former United States Speaker of the House and second in the line of succession for the Presidency Dennis Hastert admitted during a sentencing hearing today that as a wrestling coach he would molest grappling students that he found in the locker room alone. In the time since Hastert left coaching high school grappling he went on to have a second career in politics reaching one of the highest elected offices in the criminal gang based in Washington DC which professes to govern the United States. One grappler upon whom Hastert lewdly imposed his sexual will in the locker room is now reportedly a successful banking executive in his fifties while another died from AIDS during the 1990's. Hastert's 15 month sentence is more than twice the six month sentence recommended by federal prosecutors and far less than Ross Ulbricht's life sentence and 183,961,921 United States dollar fine for trying to do the tech startup thing. The former locker room predator arrived in a wheel chair having become elderly and suffering a stroke in the decades after moving on from the job which allowed him to hunt strapping young men.

It is unknown how many children recent house speakers Newt Gingrich, Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, or current speaker Paul Ryan may have molested.

Millennials, Apple Reject Capitalism Together

Organs of the Washinton Post bring us dire news on the fate of "Millennials" and the holding company burning the legacy of the late Apple Computer, Inc. A majority of millennials in the United States that responded to a survey have expressed opposition to capitalism. Meanwhile the consumer electronics company selling1 iPnohes and other iCrap has experienced its first year over year sales decline in 13 years. Sorry for your loss.

  1. But not manufacturing, Foxconn does that 

US Appeals Court Takes Time To Rule On Sportsball Case

Today the Unites States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit took time out of its day to uphold a 4 game suspension of Tom Brady for cheating in a playoff game according to the rules of the sportsball league. Rather than issue a ruling on any of the legal injustices occuring constantly in the United States, the justices instead chose to issue a ruling on the rules of sportsball consistent with the sportsball league's internal rules.

Failing Radioactive Waste Tanks At Hanford Site Put Pacific Coast On Edge

Various news sources are reporting that as the nuclear waste containment tanks at the Hanford Site along the Columbia River in Washington State age well beyond their 50 year service life leaks are increasing with at least one tank in a condition that could charitably be described as complete failure (archived). A United States Department of Energy Politruk described the horrific outcome as an "anticipated" side effect of efforts to empty the failed tank. The Hanford site is a part of Manhattan Project National Historical Park and administered jointly by the National Park Service and the Department of Energy. Continue reading

Ennetcom Seized, Operator Arrested

Privately owned and centralized encrypted communications Ennetcom was raided by Dutch police and seized while its alleged operator was arrested (archived). Thirty six year old Danny Manupassa is alleged to have been running the network and has ordered him to be held 14 days while police search for actual evidence of criminal activity on the network. Police and prosecutors believe that Ennetcom had users that were involved in organized criminal activity.