John Kasich Is America

With the American electoral season heating up and a Clinton threatening to steal the GOP nomination, it is time to lay out the real narrative this campaign season. John Kasich is the United States of America and voters are turning their backs on their country.

Kasich unlike the other candidates touts his upbringing as the son of a male man (archived). With today's twisted sexual politics you never can be certain if the other candidates were fathered by males who weren't men or raised by men who weren't male. In fact none of Kasich's competitors are anywhere near as enthusiastic in touting who knocked up their mother on the campaign trail. This firm grasp of sex and gender allowed Kasich to authoritatively heap praise on the legions of women who left their kitchens to help his campaign (archived).

Lets take a look at who Kasich's competitors in the minor socialist party1 are:

  • A wig engineered to be half Clinton, half bronzer, and all con artist.
  • A Cuban Cowboy from TexarkCanada with a face tested to look creepy as fuck at all times.
  • A Cuban playboy who routinely cheats on his Roman Church with other churches

And the major socialist party competition Kasich could face in the general election

  • An avowed Clinton who embraces the name, requires a book to mishandle classified information over email, who's had the slur Clitler ready and baking for her since the 1990's, and who is old enough to raise serious concerns among independent voters that her life may end naturally in office ceding the presidency to whichever clown she picks as her vice president.2
  • The physical incarnation of Vermont. A man who smells of maple syrup and likey the thinnest person in politics with type II diabetes. Still older raising serious concern he may naturally die in office ceding the presidency to the clown he picks as vice president.

In opposition to these five evils is America incarnate, John Kasich. Just like American Kasich is a fat shaming pop culture junkie who swigs Jolt Cola and changes the particulars of his ideology and branding any time it is convenient to do so (archived). The unifying element spanning his political career has been a steadfast opposition to Clintons in every form they take serving as the face Clinton government shutdowns in the 1990's and working today to stop the march of both Donald Trump-Clinton and Hilary Rodham-Clinton towards the Oval Office.

There's a lot of Americans who run for president, but there's only one America in this race. That America is John Kasich.

  1. And notably the party of diversity  

  2. This last bit is known as the McCain effect.  

One thought on “John Kasich Is America

  1. Full disclosure: John Kasich may or may not have sucked off our mascot Dixie to secure this coverage.

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