US Doctors To Move From Stitching To Snitching On President's Orders

In the light of the continued unrest in Oregon, where Federal forces appear unwilling1 to contest a reasonably committed group of ~100 freedom fighters for possession of a park space, US President Hussein Bahamas tearily announced today that he would executively authorise new "security" measures designed make the purchase of firearms more challenging for American citizens, particularly those with "mental health conditions," as no one could've predicted. In order to better "automate" the gun registration process, President Bahamas further announced that 230 additional Federal Bureau of Investigation drones will be hired in order to more "efficiently" process the new paperwork.2

Of additional interest in today's announcement was still further confirmation that the surreptitious destruction of doctor-patient confidentiality is a fait accompli in the United States. As if Americans didn't have enough to fear from domestic terrorists created by the rogue state they find themselves living in, they can also look forward to having their "mental health issues"3 reported and criminalised by the exact people that were entrusted to help them, and without ever sitting foot in a courtroom wherein they might defend themselves.

Of course, the monumental size of restricting firearm sales and the scale of the red tape-riddled system means not only that President Bahamas' media stunt will prove to be largely impractical, but also that his federated nation state is almost completely broke, both morally and financially, the latter of which is well attested by Bahamas' third-world-level spending pledge of a paltry USD$ 500 million over an undefined period of time to "bolster" mental health treatment services.

At the Hussein Bahamas Hatez Firearms media event, in a transparent attempt to personalise this measure,4 Mark Barden, whose son was killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School, introduced Hussein Bahamas by rightly observing :

We are better than this.

This being said, it remains somewhat unclear whether Mr. Barden was referring to the YouTube-Celebrity-In-Chief himself,5 the impotent measures he knew the President was about to announce, or something else entirely.

  1. or more likely unable 

  2. Who said the government can't create jobs, amirite ? 

  3. Too sleepy ? Here, have some Desoxyn. Too active ? Here, have some risperidone. Etcetera. 

  4. When you'd really think that an Executive Order aiming to circumvent all legislative checks and balances is personal enough already. 

  5. With the legacy of Obamacare the only sorta-kinda feather in Bahamas' floppy beach cap, his legacy will surely be dimly viewed. Mr. Barden may simply be a step ahead of the game here. 

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