CEO Elizabeth Holmes Of Theranos: Please Don't Sue, Have My Shares

Elizabeth Holmes, CEO of the well connected bezzle failup Theranos, is approaching her investors with a new plea. Holmes is begging investors in the firm to not sue her and offering as compensation valueless shares from her own stake in the firm. A number of Silicon Valley rags allege that some investors are taking the offer, probably because it is less expensive to be gifted as share of nothing than it is to sue for a share of nothing. Sorry for your loss.

Dying America Firm Nearly Robbed With Own Merchandise As Vultures Swarm

Sears, already running out of things to sell came close to losing over 750,000 US dollars1 worth of jewellery when a thief attempted to rob a Washington, D.C. area store on St. Patrick's day. The allegedly Daniel E. Grant managed to find a Craftsman hammer in the store and smashed display cases after the store closed. His plans were foiled by the store's motion sensing alarms. He allegedly abandoned his loot and the hammer and attempted to flee before being apprehended and charged with two counts of commercial burglary and one count of theft after police responded. (archived)


  1. Figures were not available in an actual unit measuring value  

Fake News Interest In Jewish Center Safety Drops Precipitously After Arrest Of Second Suspect

When threats to Jewish community centers continued after the arrest of leftist fake newsman Juan Thompson, the fake news media drummed up fear of a fake white supremacist bogeyman behind continued threats. A second arrest however has entirely killed leftist enthusiasm for continuing to cover the subject. A young Israeli Jew was arrested earlier this week for what appears to be making all of the threats not made by Juan Thompson. On the day of the arrest a token amount coverage was given to the public defender assigned to the suspect. Notably, the court appointed attorney is arguing the arrested party is not criminally culpable due to mental defect.

Instead the fake news media has redirected their effort into doubling down on their assertion that "America First" is a Russian slogan that supports German National Socialism. This continues showing how the Fake News media is hopelessly disconnected from the reality of how little America, particularly white America, cares about Jews and other minorities.1


  1. And forgetting that there are attitudes far less friendly than indifference.  

Shinohai's Shitcoin Roundup Xtend: Huffers Fail To Replicate Namecoin, "Just A Tip" Never Ceases, Venezuela Still Poor, And SEC/Silbert Drama

Deciding that regular DNS wasn't shitty enough, Ethereum developers have been working on a more polished turd known as ENS which was released last week. In true Ethereum style, bugs were discovered within a few hours, amongst them one that allowed anyone to claim a domain name without actually paying for it. The team shuttered the project the same day.

Redditards introduced a new native tipping service, known as MiniTip, which appears to be a clone of failed spam service ChangeTip. Victoria Van Eyk was unavailable for comment.

Venezuelan citizens have begun using Rare Pepes for currency as the Bolivar continues to remain in the toilet. (archived)

The U.S. SEC has decided to postpone a decision on Barry Shillbert's Bitcoin Investment Trust (BIT) until May 10th. The SEC recently denied the Winklevoss twins application of their similar ETF fund. Neither party seemed to have followed Mircea Popescu's excellent guide on interacting with fiat institutions.

More State Run Job Boards Hacked

Further reports are emerging states other than Vermont had their government run job boards hacked as well. Boards in Deleware and Illinois, both named "JobLink" have been compromised for 200,000 and 1.4 million job seeker's sorry for your loss respectively. It should be safe to assume other states with a "JobLink" service have had theirs hacked as well.

USG.NSA Head Rogers Perjured Self On Eavesdropping

During a hearing on Monday Mike Rogers, head of the USG.NSA testified along side FBI Director James Comey that US President Donald Trump and his team were emphatically not eavesdropped upon. This was followed on Wednesday with the revelation from House Intelligence Committee chair that not only was there tremendous eavesdropping, the traditional redaction and masking of names was not done before the fruits of eavesdropping upon Trump were disseminated to political operatives.

The flensing of the legacy "Deep State" is gaining momentum as Rogers clearly perjured himself while James Comey at the very least violated his duty of candor while testifying.

Vermont Residents On State Run Job Board Hacked

Roughly 200,000 people in the US sub-territory of Vermont had their personal data stolen in a breach of the Vermont Job Link website according to the State's Labor Commissioner Lindsay Kurrie. The website is used by persons applying for unemployment benefits and allows employers to post job listings for those seeking employment. While the hack likely occurred days ago, the FBI was called in to investigate and did not release any details of the events until late Wednesday. The information likely contains names, addresses, and social security numbers of anyone who had ever used the system. Republican Governor Phil Scott stated that "We don't know still how much data was breached at this point time. We're still trying to gather information. We were lead to believe that it was a much smaller breach yesterday. Today, we were notified that it was significantly much larger." With the responsible parties having no clue as to what happened or how, potential victims have not yet been notified about the extent of their sorry for your loss.

Buttfunex Diversifying Bespoke "Butt Fun" Offerings While Walking Away From BTC

Buttfunex has introduced new scam tokens allowing users to bet on the future of a chain split between Power Range Coin and Roger Ver-ified UnlimitedSpamCoin. The "Chain Split Tokens" as they are called will be issued as follows:

BCC tokens, which will represent the "Bitcoin Core" fork
BCU tokens, which will represent the "Bitcoin Unlimited" altcoin
BTU tokens, which will represent any remaining BCU tokens remaining after the settlement of the contract.

Sale of the token contracts began on March 17th and will end at 11:59:59 pm UTC on December 31, 2017, and are being offered at the rate of 1 Bitcoin for 1 BCC + 1 BCU. The exchange says the Unlimited tokens will only be valid if "the blockchain …. has diverged incompatibly from the blockchain defined by Bitcoin Core."1 Per Buttfunex policy, they will not be responsible for any Sorry For Your Loss that may occur from gambling with their tiddlywinks. (archived)


  1. Note that it is possible for both "CoreCoin" and "UnlimitedSpamCoin" to both diverge from Bitcoin as defined by the reference Bitcoin network client  

Relics Of American "Great Again" Found In Mexico

The jerseys worn by Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during Super Bowl LI were located in Mexico after it was taken from the locker room by a member of the "international media" after the game. Super Bowl LI was a passion play in which Tom Brady and his New England Patriots defeated the Atlanta Falcons despite many protestations from the fake sports media that such an accomplishment is impossible. This mirrors US President Donald Trump's victory on November 9th despite fake news media protestations that such an accomplishment was impossible. This parallel makes Tom Brady's Super Bowl worn jerseys lesser holy relics of the coming of The Great Again.